Soapbox Stutter

When I get a round Tuit

2008-03-06T21:20:00.004-07:00

I remember my Granny used to have this round tuit magnet on her fridge that looked something like this (only it was crocheted, as all good Granny nicknacks are). It wasn't until I was a bit older that I finally understood what it was. This is one of those times in which I need a round tuit.I still have some papers that I want to get published that are from my PhD research. Due to my unusual circumstances when finishing my PhD I figured it was in my best interest, and my supervisor agreed, that I just get finished the degree and do the papers later since circumstances didn't allow for both. I've had numerous people tell me, "Oh ya I was going to do that and never got around to it" but I was thinking, "Oh not me. I'm all over getting those published".

Well... it seems I'm not so much all over that. I think I've effectively got rid of the "life revolves around school" mentality and would rather be doing other things in the evening. And the thing is there is barely any writing to do. When I was writing my thesis I put the effort in to make my chapters mostly publishing ready. I just can't get into the mode to do the nitpicky stuff. Plus it's been so long since I've looked at my thesis that I'm going to have to read it all over again to get orientated. Although on the plus side, re-reading my thesis gives me a little ego boost now and then as I read sections and think, "Damn, I wrote that? It sounds so eloquent."

And yes, I do see the irony in spending my time writing about how I'm procrastinating from writing my papers. If only I had a round tuit.

A reflection

2008-01-20T11:54:00.000-07:00

I decided to wander over to my neglected blog today to see if it's still hanging around. Sure enough, there it was just as I left it. I know I've said this time and time again but I'm going to try to keep up on my blog. I've just got so many thoughts floating around in my head so why not share them with the masses.

As I was wandering around my blog I came to some realizations. For one, I think most people stumble on my blog looking for help with semicolon usage since my Ode to a semicolon post seems to attract the most attention. Whatever, I'll take it. This is followed by the How to write your thesis in a week post, which cracks me up for some reason. Perhaps because the conversation I had which led me to write that post still makes me laugh.

It does seem though that some other lost soles wander over here looking for advice on what to do after their PhD since the Alternative Careers in Science post and the A PhD outside academia post do seem to get a lot of views. I'm not sure if my advice is helpful or not but it is interesting to see that other people want more out of life than what the ivory tower offers.

Hopefully my future random ramblings have some use.

Name change

2007-08-19T22:21:00.000-06:00

I've decided to get back to blogging more but as I mentioned in a previous post, since I've finished my PhD I've been at a bit of a loss as to what to blog about. Since my blog won't solely revolve around science I've decided to change the name of my blog to the URL name. That was initially what I was going to call it way back when I started blogging (actually it might have been called that for a brief period) but I decided to go with more of a science theme. Now it appears I've come full circle. Don't worry I'm still a science geek and for the most part my posts will be science related but I figured it was time for a change.

What I don't miss about grad school

2007-08-18T18:58:00.001-06:00

Long time no blog. I noticed that I never posted what I don't miss about grad school. Can't have everyone thinking grad school was all sugar and spice and everything nice.

1) The money, or lack of. I must say it's nice to actually be making a salary with benefits and all.

2) Being treated like a child. Sure grad students are still students but we are also adults. There were so many profs in my department that didn't seem to realize this. I mean, taking attendance at seminars to make sure all the grad students attend. Puhleese!!! I'm old enough that whether you take attendance or not is not going to make me attend the seminar if I have something more important. Yes, I can make decisions for myself.

3) Not being respected. Now this may have more to do with my supervisor's personality than grad school in general but just because I'm your student doesn't mean I don't deserve respect. I made it clear that I wasn't putting up with being treated as somehow lesser. I must say it was nice having my committee treat me as an equal at my thesis defense.

4) Not getting emails from my supervisor at odd hours or on long weekends. I do enjoy leaving my work at work and not having papers around the house or having to answer emails to my supervisor late at night or on a long weekend. It's nice to not have my life revolve around grad school.

Sometimes life is just not fair

2007-05-26T00:09:00.000-06:00

An online friend of mine was diagnosed with malignant melanoma a few years ago. Unfortunately it seems like her battle is coming to an end. She is a funny, optimistic, wonderful woman and her blog attests to her strength throughout her journey with cancer.

Please take the time to read it. It really puts things into perspective about how precious life really is. And please, wear sunscreen and be alert to the signs of melanoma. No one should have to experience the pain Sarah has been put through.

My heart just breaks for Sarah, Derek and their families.

What I miss about grad school

2007-05-06T10:53:00.000-06:00

Don't get me wrong, I am overjoyed to be done school and have a real job but there are those few things that I miss.

1) The conference in Florida. Every year at this time I would go to this conference in Florida. Beach, sun, tasty margaritas, seafood, and Mexican food better than any you can get here! Oh and the conference wasn't too bad either. I'm especially feeling sad about this since my former supervisor and lab mates left yesterday for the conference. Although there is talk at work of going to a conference in California. I'm not sure the Mexican food will be as good though.

2) The hours. My job has flex time, which means I don't need to be in at a certain time (within reason though). With grad studies, there was no within reason. My supervisor really didn't care what hours we worked, which was the downfall of some. This was great at Christmas when I would go shopping on a weekday to avoid the crowds.

3) The people. I love the people I work with now but lets face it, grad school is more laid back. We would joke around, play practical jokes on one another, etc. I guess we all have to grow up some day :)

Hmm... that's all I can think of for now.

What is wrong with people these days?

2007-04-25T22:08:00.000-06:00

Don't worry I'll get back to posting about science related things but I'm procrastinating from finishing the last few revisions on a paper so blogging about science would be a bad use of my procrastination time.

Today on my way to work the bus was packed, as it usually is. I ended up having to stand. A few stops down the road this elderly lady gets on. She must have been at least 70, if not older. Does anyone get their ass off their seat for her? Oh no. As I'm standing there dumbfounded at the inconsiderate people on my bus I realize the elderly woman has a cane. A CANE!!! And still no one will give up their seat! At one point, she is standing right in front of this girl and her cane is pretty much resting against this girl's leg and still the girl doesn't move! Whatever happened to respect your elders? That's how I was raised. There are even signs on the bus where these people were sitting indicating that the seating is for those with reduced mobility. So for the whole 20 minute bus ride this elderly lady stood. She got off at the same stop as me and yes, she clearly needed a cane to walk. If I were that woman someone on the bus would have surely got "accidentally" hit with my cane. Show some respect people!

You have got to be kidding me!

2007-04-22T13:40:00.000-06:00

The other day I was watching TV and an ad came on for an electric bicycle. That's right, a pedal bike that is also electric. You can either pedal it old school style, use power assist so you don't have to pedal so hard or use if full power so you don't have to do anything. Come on, are people really that lazy? What happened to the days of riding a bike being exercise. You know, global warming or war isn't going to end our species. No, the last few people on earth will die because the power goes out and they can't charge their electric bicycle and being so overweight and lacking muscle mass they won't be able to pedal their bike to whatever fast food restaurant to get some deep fried food and they will die of starvation. Seriously, no wonder more and more of the population is becoming progressively more overweight.

Funniest line I've heard in a long time

2007-04-18T22:12:00.000-06:00

I was watching Scrubs the other day and this made me laugh out loud...

Elliot: Uh, what's up your caboodle?
Carla: Caboodle?
Elliot: Oh, it's a new word I'm trying out to replace "ass". I have loose morals and I'm living in sin so...still hoping that not being a potty mouth will get me into heaven.

Look out Grissom!

2007-03-30T20:34:00.000-06:00

A news crew came by work the other day to do a story about some stuff we do in the lab. Of course they wanted the "working" shots. Working shots for a news story do not involve actual work. I call it Hollywood science. There were many, "Ok, can you do that again? I want to get a wide angle shot". Then there was the pointing at meaningless data on the computer and acting like it was oh so interesting. I had to hold back the laughter. Lucky me, that's the shot that they put in the story. The husband watches it and says, "Trying not to laugh, hey?". Apparently it's more noticeable than I thought. At least they cut out the shot of me looking inquisitively at some solution in a tube like it meant something. I thought for sure that would make it in because the camera guy was taking many various angles of that shot. Honestly, who looks at a solution in a tube that intently? It's not like we have x-ray vision and can see actual mutations in the DNA. Although I suppose on CSI they can. They can also get a centrifuge to analyze their results. That's my favorite - put it in the centrifuge and oh look, a pretty print out with graphs and tables that tells them who the killer is. If only science was that easy. I would like to propose a TV show to the networks that's like 24 but it's forensics in real-time. It would take a whole season just to identify the killer. Then when there are repeats there can be a blurb at the beginning stating the experiment didn't work so episodes 7-9 will be repeated to repeat the experiment in real time. Oddly only my fellow science geek friends find the humor in this.

A PhD outside academia

2007-03-21T21:45:00.000-06:00

You've probably noticed I haven't Blogged much lately. That's partly due to my over analyzing what I should blog about and partly due to just being busy/lazy. I've decided I'm just going to blog about whatever strikes my fancy, be it science or not. One idea I've had, though, is to discuss my reasons for getting a PhD but not going into academia. The reasons are varied and long and lengthy, which will probably require a number of blog posts but a recent post on ScienceWoman's blog brought up some issues relevant to why I'm a PhD outside academia.

For one, I never really had a desire to be an academic. Writing grants and doing paperwork all day is not my idea of fun. So why did I do a PhD then? Well, one was pressure from my supervisor and another was solely selfishness. I wanted more from my research project I was working on than simply what I would have achieved with a Master's degree. In the end I was pleased with what I achieved and don't regret doing a PhD.

Secondly, was the desire to balance family and career. I know it's doable in academia but honestly, I want to enjoy my life and not be consumed by my work. I can be a workaholic if left to my own devices and I didn't want that kind of life and end up missing important moments with any future children I'll have.

Another reason I didn't go into academia was due to lack of mentorship/advising. Past posts point out my problems with my supervisor and being that we weren't even at the same university at the end of my degree made it difficult to get any sort of advice or mentoring from him with respect to post-docs and academic positions. Plus, although my experiences with academia were probably not the norm, it did give me a bad taste of that career option.

Lastly was location. My spouse has a job he likes and that he has been at for a while now. To ask him to move so I could do a two year or so post-doc and then move again for a job or possibly another post-doc just didn't make logical sense since I wasn't keen on being an academic anyways.

In the end we ended up staying in the same city and I now have a job I love, free time in the evenings and weekends, and a much happier life with less stress. There is, however, the internal struggle of having a PhD but not being an academic. This is mostly due to the expectation that a PhD will follow that well laid out route of PhD, post-doc, academic faculty and that anything less is consider somewhat of a failure. This is a post for another day though.

It's so pretty!

2007-02-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

I picked up my bound copies of my thesis the other day and I must say I'm pretty damn proud to see it all nicely bound in hardcover. I feel it needs a shelf all it's own for display :) Right now my copy is unceremoniously sitting on top of the box that it came in. That is no way to treat years of hard work, stressful nights/days/weekends/months, and a much blood, sweat and tears.

What to blog about?

2007-01-22T21:25:00.000-07:00

My blog originally started so I could blow off some steam about grad studies and also to write about the many things that my mind drums up. However, now that I'm officially done grad school I'm not sure what to blog about. This would explain my sporadic posting lately. I don't really want to post much about my job because it requires quite a bit of confidentiality and so blogging about it is not such a good idea. Any thoughts on what my blog should morph into? I'd like it to have some focus.

Done and done

2007-01-11T20:43:00.000-07:00

I finally submitted my thesis! Yay! Carrying a box of six copies of my thesis across campus was quite the workout but it's finally done and I'm finally done. I can't wait to see the fancy bound version of my thesis.

How long does it take to print a thesis?

2007-01-02T20:24:00.000-07:00

Most would probably say a day, perhaps two. In my case it appears as though I am not that lucky. So far it has been two and a half weeks. That's right, I took my thesis in for printing Dec. 15 thinking that it would be printed plenty of time before Christmas so I could organize it all and submit it to the Faculty of Grad Studies and finally be done. Oh no, apparently I chose the most incompetent place to print my thesis. Ironically they are the place the university gets all their printing done at and they are recommended by the Faculty of Grad Studies. The other ironic thing is their motto is "A tradition of excellence". Ya, not so much.

The thesis printing saga began Dec. 15. I happily took my thesis in to be printed and was told it would take a week due to my colour images. Ideally I would have liked it that day but this printing place is supposed to be very good so I figure what the hey, I'll still get it before Christmas. A week later I'm all excited to pick up the final version of my printed thesis. So I head over to the printing place...

Me: "Hi, I'm here to get my thesis"

Printing dude: "Oh right, I was just going to send that to print"

Me: [confused and somewhat annoyed] "What?"

Printing dude: "Oh don't worry, it will only take 10 minutes"

Me: So if I come back in 10 minutes it will be done?

Printing dude: Yep

So off I go to waste some time. Meanwhile I'm supposed to be at work but I ducked out to get my thesis thinking it wouldn't take too long. I wait 15 minutes for good measure before going back.

Me: Hi again

Printing dude: Hey. Umm... you wanted colour images too, right?

Me: Yes

Printing dude: Umm, ya, I forgot to order those. Are they really important?

Me: [thinking - Damn right they are important. No I just asked for colour prints because I'm crazy like that] Umm, ya they are important.

Printing dude: Oh, ok. What were the page numbers of the colour pages?

Me: There are over 30 colour pages, I don't have all the page numbers memorized. I can email the page numbers to you.

Printing dude: Ya do that. If you send them to me today I can get it printed by Jan. 2. We are closed during Christmas and all so that's the earliest you can get them.

Me: So they will be ready Jan. 2 for sure?

Printing dude: Yep. Hey, I wrote down you wanted 5 and 1 but I couldn't remember if you wanted 5 copies on thesis quality paper and one on regular paper or the other way around.

Me: I wanted five on thesis paper and one on regular paper.

Printing dude: Ya I didn't remember so I did 5 copies on each so now you have 10 copies of your thesis. I'll only charge you for 5 though.

Me: [thinking - damn right you will]

Me: Alright, so I'll email those page numbers to you and I'll pick up the colour copies Jan 2.

Printing dude: Sounds good.

Meanwhile I'm pissed off beyond belief that I waited a week for nothing and now I have to go back in a few weeks to get the colour copies. I lug the 10 copies of my thesis back to work and my arms almost die due to the weight of the box. As I'm looking through my thesis I notice that all my images on the thesis quality paper have this gray box around the images. This doesn't appear on the regular paper copies. When I email the guy the colour page numbers I mention this gray box thing. He emails me back and says it's because he was in a hurry when he printed my thesis so he sent it to some printer that printed gray boxes around my images. Ya no kidding you were in a hurry. You forgot about printing my thesis until I showed up. He said he would re-print the thesis quality paper ones on a different printer and that those would be ready Jan. 2. I email him back and say, "Ok. If for some reason you don't get everything printed by Jan. 2 please call me".

Today I wait until late afternoon to give the guy plenty of time to get everything printed. I head over to the print place yet again to pick up my thesis.

Me: Hi

Printing dude: Hey, you're here to get your colour prints?

Me: Yes [a bit confused as to why he never mentioned the thesis re-printing as well]

Printing dude: Ok, here are the colour prints

Me: And the re-printing on the thesis quality paper?

Printing dude: Oh right, ya I haven't done that yet.

Me: [big sigh] Ok. I need to have my thesis submitted this week so I need those copies.

Printing dude: Oh no problem. I'll print them later today and you can pick them up tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow for sure?

Printing dude: Yep, first thing tomorrow.

Me: [pissed off beyond belief that I have to come back yet again] So there are 6 copies of the colour prints?

Printing dude: Umm... I think so. I haven't had a chance to check.

Me: [thinking - this is your freaking job!]

Printing dude: First day back after Christmas is alway busy.

Me: [thinking - yet whenever I walk in here you are always on the computer so how busy can you be?]

Printing dude: This has been quite the ordeal hey?

Me: Yes [thinking - ya because you are an idiot]

Printing dude: Well here are your colour prints anyways. I didn't get a price for them yet but I can figure that out and let you know tomorrow. Did you want to take them now or get them tomorrow.

Me: I'll take them now [thinking - because if I don't you'll probably lose them or give them to someone else]

Printing dude: Ya you probably want to sort them into your thesis

Me: Umm... right. [ya into my imaginary copies of my thesis since you neglected, yet again, to print everything]

So now I get to make yet another trip to the printing place to pick up my thesis printing. Or so he tells me. I've learned to not expect my printing to be done when I'm told so I'll be surprised if it's done tomorrow and it's done right. And I thought the thesis defense would be the hardest part. That was a breeze compared to dealing with the incompetence of the printing place. I think their "tradition of excellence" ended when they hired this dude.

That's Dr. ScienceGeek to you!

2006-11-20T22:29:00.000-07:00

Yay!!!! The defense is done!!! I passed!!!

Now for the details...
The day before my defense I had a bit of a breakdown. I went to the University to practice my talk one last time and pick up the projector I would need for the next day. I ended up getting the crappiest projector and my images looked awful. I had a bit of a breakdown due to my images not showing up right and how this was supposed to be my time to shine yet my presentation looked like crap. The next morning I got to the University bright and early and tracked down a much better projector. Things were much better after that. Although I was dead tired because I had the crappiest sleep ever.

The presentation went quite well. I was a bit nervous but not too bad. I probably would have been less nervous had I not found out two minutes before my presentation that the person I would be having an interview for a post doc position the following week was coming to my talk.

After the presentation a fellow grad student friend of mine comes up and says, "Man you've done a lot of work since I last talked to you about your project". That was nice to hear since this particular grad student is a workaholic who makes every other grad student look bad. Of course I got all the "nice talk", "congrats", "good luck" comments as well.

On to the defense...
That part I wasn't nervous about at all. I was quite nervous a few days before but the projector freakout made me worry less about the defense and more about my talk. Plus, I enjoy sitting down with a bunch of scientists and talking the talk. It also helped that the first few comments out of my examiners mouths were, "I really enjoyed your thesis", "Your thesis is very well written", "Your thesis is very well organized". I knew after those comments that the actual defense was more of a formality than anything. My external examiner (who conference called it) was probably the toughest examiner. She is closest to my field so that was expected. Although one of her first questions was quite difficult but I found it sort of a useless question. She was picking on some term I used in one sentence in my thesis. Oh well. Overall there weren't any really tough questions in my defense. There were some I didn't know the answer to or drew a blank but those questions were more broad science questions than thesis related questions. Such as, how do you make a transgenic animal that has a missense mutation in a gene. I totally blanked. I also enjoyed when they put my supervisor on the spot by asking him a question. I'm not sure how that happened but I enjoyed watching him squirm for once. I know, I'm mean. Based on Sheepish's examiner archetypes I would say I had an examining committee consisting of an Insider, an Outsider, a Freethinker, and an Examiner. It was a pretty good combination, I thought.

Then onto the deliberation, of course. That didn't last too long thankfully. When they called me back in the Chair of my defense gave me a thumbs up so I knew it was all good. In hindsight, I actually enjoyed the defense. Besides the external and internal/external, these are researchers that have been with me since almost the beginning, some even before the beginning. It was nice to have them congratulate me. They seemed to be beaming too. I suppose it is a happy time for them as well to see you succeed.

After the defense I went out for lunch with my supervisor and then home for a nap before the celebratory dinner. I was so tired. I never got that nap though. I was visiting with my family who came for my defense and then I got a call and got offered a position that I interviewed for a while back. After that I was too excited to sleep. A PhD and a job all in one day! It was a huge stress relief. I did still go for the post-doc interview today though. I'll post more on that later. It's getting late, I'm tired, and my show is on soon. Oh the joys of being done the defense, now I can watch all the TV shows I've been putting off or feeling guilty when I do watch them.

T-minus 2 days!

2006-11-15T15:22:00.001-07:00

My supervisor got into town yesterday so this morning we went over my thesis presentation. Within about two minutes he was starting to do the head bob, which at first I figured, whatever, he might be tired from traveling and whatnot. Midway through the presentation he was in full on sleep mode complete with a bit of snoring. Lovely, just lovely. The sleeping supervisor flustered me a bit but I soldiered on with the talk, essentially talking to the pictures of former deans up on the wall of the conference room. Seriously though, when your grad student is doing their practice talk to get feedback from you and you are the only person in the room besides the student who is giving the talk at least have the courtesy to stay away! Drink some coffee, walk around, whatever but don't go into full on snore mode. At the end of the talk I asked him how long it was since I forgot to time it. He told me it was about 40 minutes. I was going to ask whether that included naps or not but I bit my tongue. At least on Friday I'll have other people to focus on who won't be asleep like my supervisor so hopefully I won't get as flustered. And people wonder why I have such a jaded view of academia.

Coming out of hiding

2006-11-14T10:39:00.000-07:00

3 days! Man, that ticker gives me a bit of an anxiety attack seeing it. As expected, I've been pretty busy preparing for my defense. This is what prompted this post. I've been reviewing things for the past few days and wanted to brush up on the theory behind the yeast two-hybrid assay since that will probably come up in my defense when I talk about future directions of analyzing binding partners of my protein of interest. As I was searching on the web I came across The Science Creative Quarterly, which has a lovely description of yeast two-hybrid complete with pretty pictures, if you are interested. Of course, as always happens when I'm searching on the web I got sidetracked and came across another article on The Science Creative Quarterly entitled "Dave Ng is both a scientist and someone who writes nasty reviews on books he hasn't actually read". Of course I had to check it out, which by the way cracked me up. There are other humorous articles (and probably some more sciencey ones) on that website which I'm planning to check out, after the defense of course. Oh and the SCQ is Canadian to boot!

Where does the time go?

2006-11-01T21:44:00.000-07:00

Yes I've been quite sporatic in my posting lately. That snail ticker gives me a mini-anxiety attack everytime I see it so I've been avoiding my blog. I have got a lot done lately...

I printed out my thesis and handed it out to all my committee members. I must say I was quite pleased to see my thesis on paper. Up to that point it had all been on computer. I was sitting there hole punching it all nicely and putting the thesis in binders for my committee. The husband comes home and I show him my thesis all nicely in a binder. We talk for about 15 minutes about whatever at which point he mentions that I haven't put my thesis down since he walked in the door. I told him it's my baby.
I've finished my thesis presentation and have a kick ass acknowledgements slide. I knew all those cell images that weren't worthy of going in an actual figure would be useful at some point even if it's only science geek art. Now I just have to figure out what I want to say for each slide.
I've done a bit of reading and reviewing. I just can't get into it. I read this lengthy review yesterday that just came out. It is a nice recap of the area of research I'm in but I found it so boring. I think that was because nothing was new to me. I guess that's a good thing. At least I know the info that is directly relevant to my area of research.

So what's left to do before D-day...

fine tune my presentation and practice, practice, practice. Also, go over my presentation with my supervisor. My friend loaned me his fancy laser pointer/slide advancer dohickey so I'll look like a pro.
read, review, read some more. I like to be overprepared.
play 20 questions with my supervisor. He asks me whatever he can think of that my examiners might touch on to see if I actually know it. He seems to enjoy the 20 questions just a bit too much in my opinion. And really it's more like 100 questions than 20 questions.
read my thesis many, many times.

By the way, Science Woman's thesis stats post reminded me of one stat I forgot for mine...
The last word - disease

What a pleasant ending.

A few random thoughts...

2006-10-18T23:05:00.000-06:00

I handed in my preliminary acceptance of my thesis forms from my committee today. My date is now set in stone. Eeek.

I talked to my supervisor today about what I need to know for my defense. This turned in to question period in which I told him that this is just a "what do I need to know" conversation not a twenty questions conversation. That one will come in a few weeks.

My supervisor told me I tend to be defensive when answering questions and that's not a good thing at a thesis defense. Unfortunately, I don't even realize I do it. However, this is coming from the guy who thought I hated him because I apparently glared at him throughout an undergrad course he taught. I told him that was my "trying not to fall asleep" face. My solution to the defensiveness is to answer all questions with a smile like they do on Miss America. Oh and to start each question with, "My research goal is to promote world peace". Seriously though, I'll have to work on the defensiveness.

I accepted the invitation to review that manuscript. I figured why not. I think it will be interesting (I don't call myself Science Geek for no reason). I got an auto-reply email from the editor saying he is out of the office until Monday. I was pleased about that because by then I should have my thesis printed and out to my examining committee.

I really need to get more sleep. I've been like a zombie lately. So much to do, so little time.

Bad timing

2006-10-16T00:07:00.000-06:00

I got an email the other day inviting me to review an article for one of the journals in my field. I was quite surprised. I figured that maybe my supervisor recommended me thinking I don't have enough to do with my defense being in a month. I sent him an email asking if he recommended me and he said he didn't. That was even more shocking. So someone has been keeping their eye on me or something to know my area of expertise and request that I review their paper. The other odd thing is that the conclusions they make in their paper are very similar to one of the unpublished chapters in my thesis, yet on a different gene. It's a bit eerie that they would request me as a reviewer on a topic so close to a chapter in my thesis when the only person who had read my thesis at that point was my supervisor. I also think it's odd that I would be requested as a reviewer since I'm still a grad student, abeit almost a PhD. I would really like to review the paper because I've never been requested to review a paper but I'm just worried I don't have the time. How long does it take to review a paper anyways? The email says they need the completed review back in two weeks so it wouldn't take longer than two weeks but how much time of those two weeks would it take?

Boy have I been busy

2006-10-13T16:17:00.000-06:00

Things are really moving along now. I initially picked a snail for the countdown thing because it felt like finishing my PhD was taking forever but now that snail is really making his way to the end of the pencil in a hurry.

I've been meaning to update my blog more often but just haven't had the time. The formatting of my thesis took way longer than I expected. I managed to make friends with Microsoft Word though so it would do my table of contents and my lists of figure legends and tables for me. Every so often it likes to try to anger me though but for the most part we get along. I've figured out it's quirks. I still don't like when Word tries to read your mind though and format things how it thinks you want it. It's a freaking software program not a psychic!

I sent my thesis to my committee today for the preliminary read before it goes to the external. That was exciting but I'm still worried there may be some glaring errors in it like where I typed some comment saying [change this, it makes no sense]. Oh well, things can still be changed before the final defense version goes to everyone.

Now that the thesis is done (for the most part) I figured I'd do some thesis stats...

Number of pages in whole thesis: 232
Number of pages in the body of the thesis (not the table of contents, etc.): 214 - I figured that was important to point out because as my friend pointed out to me that the total of the digits adds up to lucky number 7!
Most references in one chapter: 115 (in the intro). I joked with my supervisor that I wanted to break 100 in the intro not thinking that it would actually happen
Number of figures in thesis: 48
Number of tables: just 1
Most figures in one chapter: 14 (in chapter 5)
Number of times I used words that annoy my supervisor (hee, hee):

As such: 16
Being that: 7
Therefore: 21
However: 29

In one of my chapter edits my supervisor wrote in all capital letters highlighted yellow "I really hate when you use the words "as such" and "being that". I did remove a number of those words but a few won't hurt. He has also told me before that I use "therefore" and "however" way too many times. Honestly I thought the numbers of annoying words would be higher.

So now what is left to do before the defense:

make my oral presentation
read over the thesis a few more times to make sure there are no glaring errors
brush up on some things I should know for my defense
print out versions of my thesis for my committee members
have a margarita to celebrate my thesis going out for preliminary review

Hmm... what else?

Well paint me green and call me a frog!

2006-10-03T16:21:00.000-06:00

I have a defense date!!! Holy crap! I never thought this day would come. Ok, I knew it would but it always seemed like it was so far off. Now I gotta get me a fancy ticker for my blog to count down the days and to also give me a bit of an anxiety attack everytime I come to my blog to procrastinate. First though I need to finish the last few revisions and send my whole thesis off to my supervisor for final approval before giving it to my committee. Eeek. I feel the stress already. I've been kinda lacks for the last while since my supervisor seemed to be taking forever to set everything up so I figured why bust my butt to get everything done when he isn't. Now, however, I need to get my butt back in gear.

Things seem to be finally moving along

2006-09-30T01:04:00.000-06:00

I found out today that the department put forward the request for my external examiner to the Faculty of Grad Studies. Yay! I only had to bug my supervisor about getting that done for two months now. I hope this means things will get moving along and I'll be defending soon. Now just to get a date set.

I've realized I really liked working from home when I was writing my thesis over the summer. However it was kind of lonely and it's nice to be back around the university more regularly. Although I blame the influx of students this month for my cold, which is still lingering and really starting to annoy me.

Speaking of the thesis, I am so sick of revisions. It's to the point that sentences are just getting re-worded and they end up meaning the same thing. Recently my supervisor came up with this idea for a new figure he thought would be good to add. It required me to do some analysis on my data, boring analysis by the way and statistics! Ugh. It turns out it wasn't so bad. I think that is partially because it wasn't more revisions and I actually made a figure, which is more exciting than re-wording sentences. I thought my supervisor was just being picky when he asked for me to add this figure but now that it's done I must agree it really adds to the chapter. I guess he is right some of the time.

On a totally unrelated topic, I want to change my Blogger template and add an image for the header in the new template instead of whatever is there. I've figured out how to add the image but my problem is that the title and description of my blog is still there and I want to remove it. My image has the title and description of my blog on it so I don't need the blogger one that shows up. Anyone know how to remove the title? Thanks.

The problems with grad studies - part II

2006-09-20T22:41:00.000-06:00

Now that I'm finally getting over the cold that kicked my ass, as I lovingly refer to it, I figured I'd post part II of the problems with grad studies. It was either that or work on the revisions of a chapter my supervisor initially said was great and then when he re-read it he shredded it to bits. Umm... I'll take door #1.

The one big problem with grad studies is the student-supervisor relationship. The short version is, when it's good, things are great but when it's bad it could mean the demise of your PhD. A former grad student colleague of mine described the relationship between grad student and supervisor as "the most important relationship behind that of the one you have with your spouse and your parents". Come to think of it, she might have just said spouse. In any event, you work closely with your supervisor, they are your mentor (usually) and they essentially hold your PhD degree in their hands. At times it can seem like they are holding it hostage. Therefore, it is essential that the supervisor you choose (and yes it is your choice) to work with plays a huge role in your success as a PhD student. Most people going into their PhD know the importance of the supervisor in their success and some universities have even adopted the grad student rotation idea where new grad students do a short rotation in the labs they are interested in in order to choose the one that fits them best. Oh, they make it seem all so easy. The problem is supervisors know how to wine and dine the students they want. I call it the honeymoon period. Whether it's during a rotation or after you have started in their lab as their grad student, supervisors will make it seem like they are the best thing since sliced bread. Things can and do change.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that all supervisors are bad. There are some good ones out there and then there are those other one. The problem arises when you get one of those other ones or your seemingly wonderful supervisor ends up becoming one of those other ones. Then what? Well, let me tell you, from personal experience there is no then what. Sure, departments and universities will make you think that you have options when you are having problems with your supervisor but really it's all just talk. What's that? You say your department's chair of grad studies handles student-supervisor problems and your university has a grad student obudsperson? Hold a moment while I chuckle....

Okay, to be fair, yes at times these services do help, however, you do risk pissing off your supervisor by complaining to someone in the department or at the university level about the problems with your supervisor. And yes, they can mediate discussions between you and your supervisor to come to a mutual understanding but in the end you are the one that has to face your supervisor the next day and most likely they won't be too pleased knowing that you think they suck. Also, keep in mind that you need your supervisor to sign off on your thesis in the end. There's a fine line between resolving conflict and creating underlying turmoil when it comes to dealing with your supervisor.

However, what I want to get at here is beyond mediation and discussion. The bottom line is your supervisor has final say in whether or not you get your degree and even if he/she is being completely ridiculous in their demands or whatever, no one can make them do anything. In the end you are at the mercy of your supervisor. Sure you have the option to go to a different lab or even quit but either way you are at square one and have to start all over again. The reason why is due to intellectual property rights. Your supervisor's grants paid for your research, and/or your salary, and/or the space and equipment you used to conduct that research. This means they own your data. And because you did the work and analyzed the data you also have a stake in the intellectual property rights, which is why, by rights, your supervisor can't publish your work without your name on it. So the problem with switching labs is you need your supervisor's approval if you want to continue on with that project. Ya, like that's going to happen being that you left their lab because you had problems with them. As well, no other prof is really going to want to take you on. The reason being is you're there for, oh lets say 5-6 years, but your supervisor and the other prof have to work together for, oh perhaps another 10-15 years or more. You are just a drop in their bucket and they (and the department) don't want to end up with bad blood between profs due to one grad student. So in the end, you're the one that gets screwed. Either you put up with your supervisor and their crazy demands or procrastination on setting your defense date or you quit. Yep, those are your options. I once asked the grad student obudsperson about student-supervisor relationships and if you couldn't resolve your conflict with your supervisor were quitting or just sucking it up your only options. After a long pause she lowered her and quietly said, "yes". Oh now that's encouraging!

So after my long blabbering on, what I'm getting at is that this old school idea of grad students being solely reliant on their supervisor for their PhD is ridiculous. This is also the root cause of grad students being taken advantage of. Supervisors know grad students are at their mercy so they dangle that degree in front of your face and get you to do many mundane tasks that aren't at all related to grad school - can you get my mail? here's $10, can you go grab me a sandwich and a pop? can you photocopy these for me?. I'm sure many grad students have wondered the same thing I have at some point, is this grad school or personal assistant training?

As for a solution, so far I don't have one. Intellectual property rights leave grad students stuck between a rock and a hard place.

The problems with grad studies - part I

2006-09-12T17:41:00.000-06:00

I'm sure there are many problems with grad studies, I have two in mind hence the "part I" in the title. Some may say I'm just a bitter grad student at the end of her program but I like to look at it as the rose coloured glasses have finally come off. All the hype professors tell you about how great a PhD is and how academic research is so flexible and that you can follow whatever your heart desires seems so wonderful in the beginning but the honeymoon phase is over.

I've been thinking about the numerous problems with academia for a while now. This is part of the drive behind my search for a non-academic career. A recent article in The Scientist titled Are We Training Too Many Scientists? reminded me of one of my bigger complaints with PhD training. The article goes into the statistics behind the number of PhD granted and the number of post docs and how the numbers have risen drastically, yet the number of tenure-track academic research positions have not kept pace. This leaves a lot of highly skilled and highly educated scientists at a loss of what to do next. Now I'm not going to focus or speculate why the numbers are different and how we could fix them. No, that article reminded me of my frustrations with leaving the Ivory Tower and obtaining a career outside academia. Besides the gasps and the comments like "well what are you going to do then?", "but you can't direct your own research there", "isn't it time you started having babies anyways?" (that one especially annoys me) very few people have had any advice on what jobs there are for those with PhDs who don't want to go into academia. For a while there I was getting so frustrated and stressed about how I took so many years of schooling and yet had limited career choices beside academia. This, however, is not true. Upon further investigation and speaking with a career counselor I realized I did have numerous option. However, I never realized these options existed until I actively searched them out. In academia your mentors are professors, usually your supervisor. These people live and breath academic research and to do anything else, in their mind, is somehow considered lesser. I realize mentoring a grad student is like raising a child. You want to teach them as best as you can and see them succeed. The problem is that most academics only see success as obtaining a tenure-track position. As such, they don't really counsel you in alternative career options. It could be that they aren't familiar with them or that they don't want to open all those other doors for you for fear that you will take the time and money they invested in you and do something that is considered, by them, to be of a lower standing. However, all schooling, whether it's a Bachelor's degree or a PhD, is about training people for their future careers. Why in the case of a PhD does that career have to focus on academia?

With the decrease in tenure-track positions and increase in number of PhD graduates you would think that training or career counseling in areas outside academia would be beneficial to universities. Potential PhD students wouldn't see a PhD as a dead end degree and many of those recent PhD graduates would not be so disgruntled and give up on science altogether. As I mentioned, I did seek out career counseling. Although it was through the university I still had to pay for it and it wasn't soley focused on science. It was just general career counseling. It was helpful although it would have been much more helpful to have career counseling focused on jobs you can obtain with a PhD in science. I've found that most of my knowledge on careers outside academia has been self-taught since the university has limited resources in that area.

A PhD program shouldn't just center on getting the degree but should include career counseling and specific courses to prepare you for a career, whether that be in academia or outside academia. This idea of [B.Sc. + M.Sc. + Ph.D. + Post-doc = tenure-track position] is outdated. Academia needs to change with the times and better prepare the students they are training so that when they graduate they can enter into successful careers in a broad range of areas and not just tenure-track or unemployment.

Damn writer's block

2006-09-06T16:34:00.000-06:00

Why does this always happen to me? Whether it's a paper, a report, or my thesis, whenever I'm so close to the end I get writer's block. For my thesis I have about four pages of general conclusions left to write and I'm stuck. My main problem is I don't want to be repetitive. My thesis chapters are written as papers so each chapter has it's own conclusion; however, the thesis needs it own general conclusion. Every time I write something in the general conclusions I realize I've already said that in some other chapter. It's getting really annoying. Yesterday I tried the theory of just write even if it's crap. That usually works for me but this time not so much. I re-read that page today and it is not good. I just want to get these last few pages done but it's agonizing!

On a related note, my supervisor still is skirting the issue with respect to setting a defense date and an external examiner. I think that is contributing to my lack of effort in finishing the last few pages of my thesis. In my mind, I wonder why I'm putting so much effort in when he wants to put off my defense for months. I will spare you my endless complaints about my supervisor and defending because I could go on forever. The short version is that I'm sick of him prolonging and dragging this out so I'm going to talk to the chair of my department about my options. We'll see how that goes. This is the main reason I haven't updated my blog lately. I've been very bitter and as my mother always says, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all". I'm still bitter but I've managed to rein it in somewhat to appear cheery on the outside.

CV to resume

2006-08-26T00:13:00.000-06:00

Being that a number of jobs I want to apply for are non-academic, I've decided it would probably be best to submit a resume rather than a CV. I figured converting my CV to a resume would be a pretty easy task. I thought wrong. It has taken me longer than expected to convert my CV to a resume and in the process I've realized that a CV is pretty easy to write compared to a resume. A few reasons why...

A CV is simply a list of your accomplishments. You list pretty much everything and anything academic related on it. The more the better. On the other hand, a resume is supposed to be short and sweet and highlight only your best skills and achievements. Picking and choosing is not fun and neither is trying to reword a sentence to include as many skills as possible but still trying to maintain proper sentence structure.
There is really no creativity in a CV, as is evident by the number of boring CVs I've come across. Now I know they aren't supposed to be flashy but at least some nice formatting instead of just simple lists in Times New Roman would be nice. Resumes are also not supposed to be flashy but you do have to format it in such a way as to catch the reader's eye and make it easy to read and concise.
In a CV you usually don't list skills or need to use descriptive words or so called 'power words' when talking about your achievements. Just a simple list will suffice. In a resume you have to list your key strengths but not all of them, just a select few preferably related to the job you are applying for. Therefore, you have to be pretty creative in order to squeeze as many power words into only a few sentences.
In a resume, simply stating you have a PhD (or a MSc or a BSc, for that matter) is not enough. You have to describe your skills and knowledge gained during your PhD. Sure it looks nice on your resume to state that you have a PhD but since PhD experiences can be so variable, simply stating you have a PhD really doesn't mean much when the person hiring is trying to determine whether you will be an asset to their company. Now this would probably not be necessary if you have work experience besides your PhD but I don't and neither do most new or soon to be graduates.

Reorganizing my CV into a resume was a good learning experience though. It made me think, "what have I accomplished during these last many years besides the soon to be title of PhD?". It made me put into words what skills, knowledge, and accomplishments I have gained from my PhD. However, it was kind of sad going from my nine page CV to my two page resume. I almost shed a little tear when I deleted all my publications, meeting presentations, and scholarships and replaced them with a few lines simply stating the number of presentations and publications and the fact that I received some scholarships. What is considered probably the most important entry on your CV behind your education has now been reduced to four lines on my resume. If it helps me get a job though, I'm all for it. One plus to making my CV into a resume - now at least I can list all those skills I gained from all the non-grad student or non-research related crap my supervisor has gotten me to do.

Here's my question...

2006-08-20T15:30:00.001-06:00

What do you do if your supervisor edits a chapter in your thesis in such a way that you don't agree with? Do you put it back to how you originally had it or suck it up and do it his way even though it really doesn't make any sense?

The specific problem here is a section in my introduction which has an accompanying figure. He thinks that whole section should be taken out of the text of the intro and put in the figure legend, thus making my figure legend for that one figure a page and a half long. Plus the figure has two parts - A and B. You can't discuss A without referring to B and then back to A. So my lengthy text in my figure legend goes A) blah, blah, blah (for a page) then refers to B for a few sentences, then goes back to A. Then there is about half a page on B itself because it requires more of an explanation than what is in A but doesn't fit with the flow of the text for A. To me this whole page and a half figure legend just seems idiotic. Figure legends are not meant to be a page and a half let alone include info that should be in the intro text itself. I know my supervisor will be adamant about keeping it this way because he thinks including that info within the text of the intro will bore people. I think putting it in the figure legend will make me look like an idiot who doesn't understand the point of a figure legend. So, should I suck it up and have my committee wonder why I did it that way or fight with my supervisor on this?

Warning... supervisor rant ahead

2006-08-15T01:47:00.000-06:00

Things have been going fairly well with my supervisor for the past while until now. I knew it had to be short lived. It started last week when he left me high and dry 45 minutes before a conference call with collaborators of ours. My supervisor and them are going to carry on my project, which is a nice compliment that my research is worthwhile to continue pursuing especially since my project started as pretty much a shot in the dark. Granted I know the most about my project but I'm really not sure the direction my supervisor wants to go with it so I was quite pissed off that he left me to carry our side of the call. Oh well, it went fairly well I think. Of course my supervisor wanted a recap of the phone meeting so I spent an hour typing out an email to him about it. I purposely only sent the email to him because although I didn't bash our collaborators or anything I did mention that some of the experiments they suggested I didn't agree with or didn't think they were necessary. Obviously if I didn't tell them that on the phone I wouldn't want them to read it in an email. Well guess what? My supervisor responded to my long email and cc'd it to our collaborator and her post doc. Sadly, I had a feeling he would do this so I did try to word things politely but still! The man has no email etiquette. This is similar to the time I sent him an email asking for the specifics of how an experiment was done since it was done by another lab. He proceeded to forward that email to the people who had done the experiment. Normally that would be fine but it wasn't a "hey can you answer these questions for her email". Instead he mentioned how I should contact these people and ask them these specific questions and how he cc'd them on this email so they are expecting my email. It was like I was 5 years old and afraid to talk to someone so I needed him to ease me into it. No, I just didn't know their email addresses!

In the last week or so I've sent my supervisor my intro and the revisions on two chapters. The ultimate plan is to publish three of the chapters from my thesis. This wasn't done earlier in my program due to the whole supervisor leaving issue and potentially getting kicked out of our lab so I focused on getting my experiments done and not publishing my results. Now, however, I really want and need those publications. I sent my supervisor an email saying we should really get on this and here's what I'm thinking for where to submit the manuscripts, etc., etc. I get an email back saying how he's busy and has other things to do and can't focus on my stuff 100%. Ok I understand that but the fact that the last thing he sent to me was almost two weeks ago I'm guessing he hasn't been working on my stuff much since then. Also, one of my chapters has been written since December and has pretty much just been sitting there with a few minor revisions here and there. My supervisor keeps saying he wants to have another look at it but hasn't. Dear lord! Now I know why so many former grad students in my lab left without publishing.

To top it off, I've been pushing to defend before the fall deadline so I don't have to pay tuition. My supervisor said he wanted to see my intro first before making a decision on a date. I sent him my intro a day after that conversation. I also told him that perhaps we should at least set up the external examiner since that has to be done quite some time before the defense. Has there been any more mention of this? Oh no. And by now there is pretty much no way I'm going to make the fall deadline so I'll have to pay tuition.

I've been extremely patient with him throughout the whole writing process and haven't really bugged him about getting revisions back to me. I even left him alone for the whole time he was writing a grant. At one point he was sitting on three chapters of mine but did I say a thing? No. Now with being so close to the end I just want to get done and not have this drag on forever.

Alternative Careers in Science

2006-08-12T20:39:00.000-06:00

As is evident by my previous posts, I've all but decided that I don't want to go the academic route. The reasons for which are numerous so I won't bore you with that. Trying to decide what career path I would like to pursue outside academia, however, has been quite nerve racking. I really don't have anyone to turn to for advice who isn't an academic and most academics and even other grad students look at you like you've gone crazy when you mention that isn't the career path for you.

In a weird twist of fate, the other day while looking for some book or journal article for my thesis on the university's library website I came across a book called Alternative Careers in Science. I figured I may as well have a look at it since it seemed like the help I was looking for. It was actually already checked out so I had to request it and the other poor person looking for something other than academia had to return it. Funny thing was, when I went to pick up the book the librarian said that she is also trying to leave the ivory tower. That lead to a discussion of which would be better - joining Circ du Soleil or becoming a WestJet flight attendant. It was nice to hear I'm not alone in my quest.

Anyways, the reason I bring up this book is because I highly recommend it. I've only read a chapter and a half so far and skimmed through the rest of the book but so far this book is excellent. Each chapter is written by a different person who chose a different career path outside of academia. It goes into how they ended up there, why, and what their job is like, among other things. The little I've read so far has been very helpful. And it's nice to know that I'm not alone in all my confusion over what to do next and my guilt of not going the academic route. One of my favorite lines I came across when skimming the book was in the chapter written by Genevieve Haddad when she was talking about her decision to not go into academia and getting flack from everyone around her. She says, "[Everyone] thought I was crazy at best, a traitor at worst, for wanting something different... Why would I want to do anything else? It must be because I was a woman and not really serious about science". Yep, that about sums up my experience so far when telling people my choice of finding something outside academia.

So if you are confused like me and want something outside the Ivory Tower I highly recommend checking out this book. And good luck in your quest! I'm right there with you.

Referencing

2006-08-03T17:40:00.000-06:00

Alright science experts, I need your help. I think the thesis writing has caused me to slowly lose brain cells. Where do you insert a reference if the whole paragraph you are writing is taken from one source? Do you put it where you first mention information from that source (so at the end of the first sentence of the paragraph) or at the end of the last sentence of the paragraph? I've Googled and so far haven't found the answer. Help!

Thesis writing = crappy summer

2006-08-03T17:30:00.000-06:00

I've realized, now that it's August, that I really haven't done anything this summer. No real vacations, sure there was the odd weekend away here or there but those were mainly to visit families, go to weddings, that sort of thing. I didn't plan any vacations or anything for the summer since I knew I would be busy writing and at first that was fine with me since I did have a vacation at the end of April. Now that summer is coming to an end I'm thinking I maybe should have enjoyed some of the nice weather instead of sitting at my computer complaining how hot it was outside. I did think of working outside, which I did for a few days, but I would always been going back inside to get some paper or some book. Then the wind would pick up and things would blow around. Or the sun would be shining too brightly to really be able to see what was on my laptop screen.

Today someone mentions to me how it's a good thing there's a long weekend coming up and I'm thinking, "When?". How sad. Half the time I don't even know what day of the week it is. Oh well, I'm kind of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I've finished all my paper chapters with my results and data and now I'm on to the intro. It sounds backwards, doing the intro first, but it works for me. Plus, I got a chapter back from my supervisor today, too bad there was no attachment with the email. So, really I guess I didn't get a chapter. Whatever, I still have the intro to do so it's not like I'm at a loss for something to do.

A reflection

2006-07-24T23:00:00.000-06:00

As I get closer and closer to the end of my PhD I find I reflect a lot and wonder if I had to do it all over again would I choose to go the grad student route? Honestly, there is no cut and dry answer to that. Personally, I feel I've been gypped out of the whole grad student experience and this leads me to a bit of resentment. With my supervisor leaving to take a new position three quarters of the way through my degree I didn't have the typical grad student experience. For one, he hated the job/people at the university I'm at, which was the main reason why he left. This attitude, of course, made our lab sort of the outcasts in the department. No a good way to start out. Plus, for the year or so before he left, when he knew he was going to find a new position somewhere else, he really didn't put much effort into anything. Sure, we would have meetings and discuss my results and whatever but this was also while he was checking his email, going through his mail, whatever other tasks he figured he could handle while still listening to me. In actuality, he really wasn't listening to me. I could stop talking and it would be a good few minutes before he realized it.

Now that I no longer have actual face to face meetings with him, everything is by email and sometimes phone. That's fine and actually I seem to get more of his undivided attention that way. Although I do feel a bit screwed over in the thesis writing department. Don't get me wrong, it has made me quite independent in my writing since I can't go over every little detail with my supervisor face to face but I still feel a bit screwed over. Also with my supervisor gone I am really not feeling the love from the department. Not that I thought I would but when the day after they kick us out of the lab I get an email requesting my key back it's sort of a slap in the face. Especially since I'm the one who got stuck with sending a bunch of my supervisor's stuff to him so I still need access to the lab to get all, what the department calls, "the crap" out of there. I so feel like handing in my key and when the department complains that all that stuff is still there I'll just say, "Sorry, I no longer have a key".

Don't get me wrong, doing my PhD was enjoyable at times. The people in the lab were a lot of fun usually, I went to a bunch of conferences, I enjoyed the research for the most part. I guess I just feel gypped on the last part of my PhD. No lab meetings to have scientific discussions, the lack of direction in my writing up, getting kicked out of the lab. That sort of thing. On the bright side, I have found the whole supervisor leaving thing has made me way more independent. At times I think I should get a PhD and a post doc out of this whole thing. That is also partly why I'm not so keen on doing a post doc. I feel like I've already been doing a post doc for the last two years.

Anyways, to answer the initial question of would I do it all over again? Hmmm... honestly, probably not. And if I did do it all over again, I would do it a lot different. Although that may just be my bitterness talking. Maybe when I actually have my degree I'll feel differently. I'll let you know in a few months.

What next?

2006-07-11T22:20:00.000-06:00

As I get closer and closer to finishing my PhD I keep thinking, what next? So far, nothing, which when I think about it gives me a mini anxiety attack. I think I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to do a post doc. Why? Well, for one I don't really want to be a professor. Blasphemy, I know. A PhD who doesn't want to go into academia?!? So then what? That's what I'm trying to figure out. Perhaps a research associate or doing research for industry or government. I've applied at a number of places, had one interview but that's it so far. I'm starting to worry that maybe I should do a post doc. Not because I want to but because I'm supposed to. It's almost ingrained that you do the PhD, then the post doc, then get an academic position, then get tenure and live happily ever after. Ya right. I'm tossed up though. Even if I don't want to go into academia I'm wondering if I should still do a post doc "just in case". However, since I don't really want to do a post doc I would probably hate every minute of it and that wouldn't be good for anyone. Argh! Thesis writing, deciding what to do for the rest of my life... ya no stress at all.

I'm NOT a fan of statistics

2006-07-05T00:05:00.000-06:00

I spent the better portion of my day trying to do statistical analysis on one figure. ONE FIGURE!!! I have never been a fan of statistics. I took two stats classes in university and do you think I can remember any of it? All I remember from stats class was that the funky cowboy was my stats prof. He was this short, skinny man who wore these western type shirts but they weren't any old cowboy shirt Clint Eastwood would wear. No siree. These were bright, colourful cowboy shirts. It was like Rainbow Bright puked all over Clint Eastwood or something. That prof and his shirts solidified my theory that anyone who likes stats is crazy.

So as I was trying to figure out if I needed to do a Student's t-test or a One-way ANOVA on my data and Googling what the heck those tests are, I came across a website about the Student's t-test. It had a little history thrown into the stats explanation. Apparently the student who came up with the test was working in a brewery and he developed this test to solve some brewery problems. I'm convinced he was drunk (and probably crazy). Anyhoo, turns out it's a pretty good test. I didn't use it though. Seems I needed a One-way ANOVA. Righty. More Googling I did go. Finally after hours of swearing and telling myself this stats isn't going to get the better of me I got it done. Thanks, in no small part, to Excel and it's Data Analysis function. It wasn't all Excel though, I did have to figure out what all the numbers it spit out meant. So much for getting a lot done today. Stupid statistics.

Hmm... what was so special about June 9th?

2006-06-29T20:13:00.000-06:00

Well as you can tell I haven't been so good with updating the blog. I like to think it's because I'm so focused on writing my thesis. Riiiiight. I'll keep telling myself that. I figured I should check to see if my blog is still there since it's been quite some time. Then for kicks I decided to check out the Tracksy stats on my blog. That's right, Tracksy. I'm a loser who likes to see how many people visit my blog. So it appears that June 9th was quite a busy day over here at the Science Geek blog. Most hits from that day came from www.insidehighered.com. Could someone fill me in as to why? I'm all excited thinking maybe there was a link to my blog on that site.

Go Oilers Go!!!!

2006-06-19T01:36:00.000-06:00

Normally the Stanley Cup wouldn't really affect my thesis writing but with the Oilers in it I have to watch now. Yes, I have been watching religiously since the conference final but haven't blogged about it at all because it isn't at all PhD related but since I'm sick of thinking about PhD stuff then the Oilers it is. Tomorrow is game seven. GAME SEVEN! Oh the stress! I really hope the Oilers win (of course) but not just because I'm cheering for them but because, although they have had bad games, they are able to pull it together and play awesome when need be. Also, and I may get flamed for saying this, I think winning the Stanley Cup means more to the Oiler's fans than the Hurricane's fans. The Oilers have such a hockey legacy. It would be nice to bring the cup back. GO OILERS GO!!!

Thesis writing distraction

2006-06-14T01:19:00.000-06:00

I haven't been so good at updating my blog lately. I've come to the conclusion that it's because I spend all day writing my thesis... okay, perhaps not all day but I try. Anyways, I spend a lot of my time writing my thesis, which if you read my last post, you'll realize I find thesis writing kinda boring. So really, do I want to prolong the agony and write stuff on my blog about writing my thesis. Not so much. So, in an effort to not go insane with thesis overload my blog may diverge from the usual PhD related blabbing.

On that note, I am reliving high school by way of Beverly Hills 90210 coming back on TV in reruns. It's a nice thesis writing distraction and also provides me with some much needed humour. Sure the show isn't a comedy but the outfits and the acting definitely are. Just when I thought I would have no good TV to watch over the summer while writing my thesis along comes 90210. So the other day I'm watching it and it's some episode with the moral lesson of how you shouldn't discrimination, be prejudice, or racist. Oh, life lessons courtesy of Beverly Hills 90210. As I'm watching the show and they are getting to the end and wrapping up the life lesson I notice the black guy, who was cast soley for this episode, wearing a t-shirt that on the back had a list of terms that over the years were used to refer to black people. My jaw dropped when I first noticed the shirt because the word at the top was the n-word. I shit you not. They didn't show the whole back of the shirt but it was enough to make it out. The words continued down the shirt each getting more politically correct until it ended off at whatever term was considered most politcally correct in the 90s. Now, first off, why the hell did a black actor agree to wear that shirt? And secondly, for a show with the big moral conclusion of anti-racism, who in charge of costume design thought this shirt would be a good idea? It's a whole different world watching 90210 as an adult and not an easily influenced teenager, I tell you.

So slow...

2006-06-06T23:11:00.000-06:00

I don't know if it's just me but I'm finding this thesis writing is going so slow. And b-o-r-i-n-g! I can spend all day working on one figure. I'm all happy when I'm done it but then when I realize that is all I've done all day it depresses me a tad. Plus, sitting at the computer all day is also boring! I'm used to moving around, standing, sitting a bit but never for too long. I've decided I need to go jogging to at least get out of the house. Problem is, the husband wants to go with me but not when I want to go. So far the jogging together hasn't worked out well. I want to go around 10 or 11am-ish. I find when I sit at the computer for too long in the morning I start to fall asleep so jogging mid-morning would be great. Problem is, the husband is at work. He wants to go jogging in the evening, after supper. I write best from about 8 pm until late so usually I'm working on my thesis when he wants to go. I think I'll just go in the morning and if he wants to go in the evening and I have time I'll join him.

Anyways, got a little off topic there. So thesis writing, boring! At least in the lab I could feel I accomplished something when I got the result of an experiment at the end of the day. Even if the experiment didn't work I still did it. One figure in a day! Dear lord. I'll be writing this thesis until I'm 80. I think I got a bit cocky when I made like five figures in one day a while back. Gotta love Photoshop and it's layers. Wonderful for making figures that have the same labeling.

Another thing about thesis writing I don't like - it's depressing. It's somewhat sad when you realize an experiment that took you almost a year to do fills up a page. A PAGE! Albeit I was doing other experiments at the same time but still. Writing out what I've done for the past six years and what it means is a tad humbling. Let's see... I did what seemed like a bunch of work and filled up almost four lab books and a few binders but put it all in some coherent form and it seems like I hardly did anything. Sigh. I swear this whole PhD process is just some mean initiation that started back in the day by some disgruntled professors.

PhD comics has once again hit the nail on the head

2006-05-24T00:46:00.000-06:00

I hadn't checked out PhD comics for a while so when better to than while I'm sitting here thinking about writing my thesis. When I got to the May 22 comic I had to laugh. It's so true. As I was reading it I turned to check out my thesis outline I made a while back. Six chapters is what I have listed, which nicely falls into the 'not bad' category. I've got the freebies written in there too. Those were the easy ones. Stuff I did my first year is chapter two (no lit review in my area or at least it goes under the intro). I don't have any stuff I'm supposed to be doing now since I'm done it all so I'll call that chapter 'years 2 to now'. The make stuff up chapter, heck that's easy and fun at the same time. You just need to think what you would do if you had all the money in the world and endless technicians and undergrads to do the work for you. Easy peasy.

The last panel in the cartoon is priceless. I've lost track of how many times I've given that answer when someone asked me how my thesis was going. Now I can say I have an outline, a chapter and some of another chapter done. Yay!

I'm back... with a tan

2006-05-17T00:14:00.000-06:00

Okay I've been back for over a week now so the tan has faded somewhat but you get the idea. The cruise was awesome as expected. A lovely week of no stress or thoughts of thesis writing. Sure I packed papers to read but those were soley for during downtime at the conference and yes, they stayed securely in my bag until then. My highlight of the cruise, holding a stingray in Grand Cayman. The cruise made me realize that I really should have gone into marine biology so I would have a reason to live in tropical places. Alas, highschool never taught me about how to get a job in a tropical location.

As for the conference, it was quite uneventful, research-wise. I've gone to this same conference for a few years now and every year I find it a bit of a different experience. Some years it's the talks that are the most interesting, some years it's the poster, this year though, it was neither. Although the conference was still good. I met a lot of people, networking some may call it, so all in all it was good. Being a conference in the US though, most of the networking involved people in the US. I, however, would prefer to find a post doc in Canada. I'm still keeping some of those names of people I met in mind though because you just never know.

Now to the important part of the conference, the hotel on the beach. It was an older hotel which I thought had a lot of charm and was quite nice considering the economical price and the location. Other people I know who also stayed there had a different opinion. To some, a pea under the mattress makes for a restless nights sleep. That's all I'm going to say about that but I'm sure you get the idea. Unfortunately, the conference kept me quite busy. With the conference every day, all day, then dinner and chatting with this person and that person after the conference meant I usually didn't get back to my hotel room until 10 or 11 at night so no beach. The last day though, I got back to my hotel shorty before 3pm, changed into my bathing suit in record time and dashed out to the beach and stayed there until the sun went down. It was a lovely end to the conference.

Now it's back to thesis writing. It's going slow unfortunately. I'm hoping this is just a slump and it will soon end. Also, the supervisor is back to requesting me to do time wasting things for him. Today I got an email saying that he wants me to move all his boxes (that he came months ago to pack up but never shipped) into our main lab because they need to clean out the other lab. I sent a reply asking if I would get worker's compensation when I throw my back out. I ended the sentence with a smilie though so even though I meant every word of what I said he will take it in jest. Oh the eggshells a grad student must carefully tread.

No my supervisor didn't lock me in a dark room

2006-04-18T23:27:00.000-06:00

Surprisingly there was no anger from my supervisor towards my response to his garbage picking email. I thought for sure there would be some sort of snide comment from him about it. My guess is perhaps he realized his request was quite demeaning. However, realistically the thought probably briefly crossed his mind and then was replaced with the thought that I'm just a crazy, emotional female who needs everything sugar coated. Either way, my response should put an end to ridiculous request from him for a while.

So what have I been up to lately? Well, definitely not writing in my blog, that's for sure. I've been trying to finish up my last few experiments. I think I'm finally done actual lab work now! Although something is bound to creep up. My supervisor was in town a few weeks ago to clean out his office. Yes, that was fun. His idea of cleaning consisted of bringing stuff from his office into the lab and asking if we wanted it. When we said no, he would leave it on a bench and tell us to think about it and if we don't want it then throw it out. Buddy, that's not cleaning; that's moving garbage around! At least I'll never have to buy another binder in my life. Honestly, I tried to avoid the lab when the supervisor was around. I feared that he would ask me to help him clean out his office. Anytime I went somewhat near his office he would ask me to do something. I told everyone (but him, of course) that I think I would be coming down with an awful stomach flu the week he was here. No need to fake a sickness though. He couldn't rightfully ask me to help him clean his office when I told him I was working on my thesis.

That brings me to what else has kept me busy, the thesis. Finally, I'm finally at that point! So far it's slow going. However, once I actually have a whole day to devote to working on it I get quite a bit done. Unfortunately, there haven't been that many whole days lately.

Besides the thesis writing I had to make a poster for a conference at the end of the month. Woo hoo! Conference! I probably wouldn't be so excited if the conference was is the middle of no where but any good conference organizer knows the mantra - location, location, location. So it's off to sunny Florida for me. This year I'm staying at a hotel on the beach! It's further from the conference center but it's on the beach so I'll put up with taking the shuttle bus to the conference. To top it off the husband and I decided it was time for our honeymoon/vacation so we are going on a cruise the week before the conference. Three days until we leave! I'm sure all this warm weather and sun will get me motivated for thesis writing :)

Well, with full time thesis writing imminent I'm sure there will be many thesis induced rants to post on my blog so stay tuned. But not for the next two weeks as I'll be de-stressing on the beach.

Aside - Anyone else find it humorous that the spell checker in Blogger doesn't recognize the word 'blog'?

Ode to the semicolon

2006-03-28T21:25:00.000-07:00

Oh the poor semicolon, it's not quite a colon but it is more than a comma, yet it is often misunderstood. I'll admit that I am not all that knowledgeable on semicolon usage but I've always known you use a semicolon to separate a list of things that started with a colon. I figured that was pretty much the extent of normal semicolon usage. Only those that used the semicolon beyond that rule were just crazy English freaks. Recently though, I've had my eyes open to the proper usage of the semicolon. I had my sister read over a blurb about my research experience and besides her usual comment about my improper comma usage I got a lesson in semicolon usage. At first I thought she was just being crazy because really, no one uses a semicolon, so was it really important that I didn't use any? Apparently it was. She then pointed me to a website that had examples of the proper use of semicolons. I was surprised to find that my favorite words to use in writing all required the use of a semicolon: in addition; however; otherwise; and therefore. Who knew!?! Since becoming enlightened on the proper use of the semicolon I've decided to use it whenever needed. I'm sure when my supervisor reads my thesis he will wonder what's up with all the semicolons, at which point I will direct him to the website. After all, scientists may write papers but that doesn't mean they actually understand proper writing style. I, however, will be trying to change science writing one semicolon at a time. Now just to grasp the usage of the comma. I've never properly understood the comma.By the way, I'm sure I've missed a comma or semicolon somewhere in this post. Be nice, I'm a scientist.

A bit of tension?

2006-03-21T09:09:00.000-07:00

So I sent my supervisor a diplomatic yet firm email stating I didn't not enjoy his garbage picker comment. Now either he didn't read the email or he is ignoring it (and me) because I haven't heard anything from him about it. I get so frustrated with him sometimes. Since he is miles away I don't see him daily therefore email is our main form of communication. I call him sometimes but those phone calls, which you would think would only last a few minutes, end up taking hours and he just suggests more experiments to do which at this point aren't necessary. Hence, I avoid phone calls with him.

A week ago now I sent him a manuscript to read over and see if there are any changes needed as well as an email regarding the grant and the funding situation. Have I heard even a peep? Of course not. Grrr... he makes me so angry. I think it's time for a reminder email to see if he even read the initial emails. I'm betting I get a reply asking me to re-send the manuscript because he can't find it now. That's easier said than done though. The man keeps his inbox so full and the email space they have where he is now is pretty small therefore I can't usually email him big files that contain figures. This means I have to send it to a grad student in the lab there by instant messaging and then he burns it on a disk for my supervisor. I'm guessing my supervisor has misplaced that disk. God, sometimes I swear he is a child and I spend more time making sure he does what he should than I do focusing on what I should be doing. I will be SO glad when this PhD is over.

Just add garbage picker to my CV

2006-03-15T22:43:00.000-07:00

I got the most unbelievable and idiotic email from my supervisor today. It pissed me off so bad I couldn't help but laugh. Here's the email...

Could you please make sure that there are at least 15 empty sturdy card board boxes for me waiting to be packed up (if you need to order the boxes then do so...otherwise just collect them out of the trash...but pick the good ones). And a few rolls of duct or sealing tape. I will be in town the last week of march to close down my office.

My favorite part is the "just collect them out of the trash" and to add insult to injury he has to add "but get the good ones". I thought at first I would just ignore the email and pretend I didn't get it but then I figured I had to at least say something to him about it. Maybe it's my ego or the demeaning tone of the email, which sounds like it's a request but it's more of a demand that makes me feel it requires a reply. However a reply requires a lot of tact since I don't want to break the cardinal rule of grad school - "don't make your supervisor mad at you". I was thinking something along the lines of, "If that email was a joke I didn't find it funny". That way hopefully he will realize it pissed me off and if the trash picking comment was a joke he will realize it really wasn't funny. If the email was meant to be serious maybe he will realize he is overstepping his boundaries with his requests of his grad students. Or else he will just read my reply and think, "Whatever". Either way I'll feel better for saying something.

The one question I hate to hear come out of a student's mouth

2006-03-13T22:57:00.000-07:00

I handed back my students' quizzes the other day and at the end of the lab one of my students came up to me to inquire about why he got some questions wrong. I'm fine with that. It's good that they are interested in knowing what they did wrong. There was this three part question and he got the first part wrong which then meant he got the second and third parts wrong as well since they had to do with the first part. It's unfortunate but that's how it goes with questions that have multiple parts. Then came the dreaded question - "Even though I got the first part wrong I answered the second and third parts based on my wrong answer in the first part and technically they are right based on my wrong answer so can I at least get part marks?". NO! It's still a wrong answer. Putting a wrong answer then answering the next part based on your wrong answer doesn't make your answer right? Where did students ever come up with this idea? Do they get marks for this in high school? A wrong answer is a wrong answer I don't care if it was right if you base it on your first wrong answer. IT'S STILL WRONG!!! I mean come on, if you were an accountant and you entered a company's profit as $20,000 instead of $50,000 and did all your subsequent calculations based on the $20,000 amount it doesn't mean that all the other calculations are right. The spoonfeeding of students is getting way out of hand.

Busy, busy, busy...

2006-03-08T22:34:00.000-07:00

You know you're busy when...

... you are on your way to school in the morning and you ponder for quite some time whether today is Tuesday or Wednesday.

... you don't even have time to watch the Amazing Race. What's worse is even though I taped it I didn't even have time to watch it all at once. Having to watch an hour long show in installments is just sad.

... people complain to you about how busy they are and end up dumping stuff on you to do because they are oh so busy and you just want to punch them. Yes of course, you are the only person in the entire world who is busy. Suck it up and do your job! (phew, venting frustration is therapeutic).

... you don't have time to update your blog

Aside: I find it ironic and amusing that the Blogger spell check does not recognize the word 'blog'.

Things overheard in the hallway

2006-03-02T21:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the comments undergrads make while walking down the hallway cause me to shake my head. Today there was this girl and her friend who had just left their lab and I guess they must have gotten back a lab report or something and this girl was not happy about it. Her comment was:

If you're not an English major then don't mark like one

I'm guessing that she didn't like that her science TA corrected her grammer and writing. Right, because only english majors need to actually write. Has she never heard of science journals? Where does she think the ideas for the experiments she does in her lab came from? Out of the blue? No, someone at some point published that result. That's right, they used the english language and grammer to actually write something scientific. Blasphemy I tell you! And the department wonders why undergraduates are lacking so much in writing ability.

2006-02-28T13:45:00.000-07:00

Now I know why some grad students just quit when they are so close to finishing their degree. There's even a name for them too, something like "all but the thesis". I can't remember the exact term. I always thought these grad students were crazy. They were so close but didn't finish. I now understand why. There is only so much shit you can put up with before it breaks you. No, I'm not quitting. I won't give anyone that satisfaction and I've worked too damn hard to give up now. I have just come to realize why some do.

Does anyone actually read all their email?

2006-02-27T23:46:00.000-07:00

I know I don't. We get so much departmental email that if the subject line doesn't catch my eye I just skip over it. Even with some messages if people blab on forever about the same thing I'll just skim it. That came back to bite me in the ass on Friday. Every week we have a TA meeting on Fridays at noon. Every week, same place, same time. Also every week we get an email from the lab co-ordinator with the handouts for the week. This week was nothing different. We got the usual email with the subject line "handouts for lab session". I skimmed the email as usual and tuned out once he started repeating what he had just said. The man is very redundant. I made a mental note to print off the handouts before the lab meeting and I closed my email.

On Friday I head off to the lab meeting at the usual time. I'm surprised to find only a few people there but whatever. We wait, and wait, and wait some more but the lab co-ordinator doesn't show up. Hmmm. We head off to his office to see what's up and low and behold the lab meeting had been changed to 10:30. What? He says to us in a snooty tone how it was stated in the email he sent. He said he could meet with us later on in the afternoon, which ended up screwing up my whole plan for my day but whatever. I go back to the lab and check my email. Sure enough stuck in the middle of a sentence about something else three quarters through the email is a brief mention of the meeting being at 10:30. I'll admit it's my fault for not reading my whole email but shouldn't something like a time change for a meeting that is always at the same time be stated in the subject line or in the first sentence of the email? That only makes sense to me. Last week was crazy busy and very frustrating. Reading all my email was the last thing on my list. I chalk it up the the cherry on top of a bad week. Hopefully this week is better.

A movie? A mini-wolf? What a day!

2006-02-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

This week they are filming a movie in the building I'm in. When we first got the email about it I didn't even read it. I figured it was just another departmental email telling me something I really didn't care to know. However the talk by others of a movie peaked my interest so I eventually read the email. Apparently this is a real movie and not some university production. It's actually a sequel to a movie. However I haven't even heard of the first movie so chances are I wouldn't be interested in the sequel. None the less I figured the fact that they are shooting a movie was pretty interesting. Unfortunately I haven't heard of any of the actors in the movie. I was hoping for a big star sighting or something but no.

Why am I talking about all this movie stuff anyways and what does this have to do with a mini-wolf? Well there are certain hallways blocked off this week for the setup and shooting of the movie. I however had to be in one of those hallways today as they were setting up. I was doing a lab for grade 6 girls. We were extracting DNA! It's sort of a get girls interested in science thing. They were setting up for the movie right outside the lab me and the girls were in. The setup mainly consisted of putting new things in the display cabinets in the hallway. I guess they borrowed stuffed animals (not the cute ones you buy from Toys R Us) and skeletons from the zoology department for the displays. I was curious so I went about checking out the displays. In one there was this odd looking wolf. It had a normal wolf head but it's body was half the size. It was weird indeed. I was convinced it was fake until one of the lab coordinators came up and told me that no that wolf is real. Apparently it was stunted at birth. It was so interesting to see. I think I was more interested in the mini-wolf then the fact that they were shooting a movie. That's definitely a science geek for you - more fascinated by a developmentally abnormal animal than a movie set. I hope mini-wolf stays around in the display case for a while and isn't put back in some dark zoology room somewhere. Something like that needs to be on display if for no other reason but to make me chuckle everytime I see it.

More Olympics talk

2006-02-21T23:45:00.000-07:00

I find this year's Olympics to be quite interesting. Here's just a few tid bits that come to mind right now.

There was the showboating snowboarder, Lindsey Jacobellis, who lost the gold medal as a result. The best moment though was watching her mom's reaction. Not even a flinch when her daughter goes down but instead she is wildly yelling "Get up! GET UP!!!". That is definitely the parent of an Olympian. As for the showboating, at first I thought it was a stupid move however when you think about it she was SO far ahead of the other snowboarders and considering the two Canadians wiped out there was really only one person, Switzerland's Tanja Frieden, who could have passed her. With that in mind and being so close to the finish line I'm sure the method air seemed like a good idea at the time and honestly it would have been had she landed it properly. Unfortunately the gold medal for her just wasn't meant to be.

Another interesting event was the ice dancing pair of Barbara Fusar Poli and Maurizio Margaglio who apparently were having a little tiff over some fall or something in their original dance. I don't really watch ice dancing so I missed that but watching them walk past each other without a word before their free dance was quite funny. She was definitely shooting daggers at him. Must have been quite the fall.

Of course no discussion of interesting Olympic events would be complete without mentioning the Canadian hockey teams. First the downside, what is up with the men's team? I mean honestly? Get it together guys. They did win against the Czech Republic though so hopefully things are turning around. This is Canada afterall, home of hockey. The Canadian woman's team definitely brought it! Way to go ladies!!! Woo hoo Canada! That final game was great. Whoever said women can't play hockey can eat their words. I can't believe that it has taken so long for women's hockey to gain some momentum. Hopefully games like those in the women's Olympic hockey tournament bring about more girls taking up hockey. I know I enjoy playing it. I never thought I would but it is actually a lot of fun and a great workout too.

The lost Olympics post

2006-02-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

I've been slacking lately with updating my blog. Why you ask? Well the usual response is because I'm busy but lately it's mainly been because of the Olympics. Yes that's right, the Olympics. I am so hooked on the winter Olympics. I'm not such a fan of the summer Olympics though but I'll watch a bit of it. My winter Olympic infatuation started four years ago with the last winter Olympics. For some reason I got hooked and couldn't stop watching. It resulted in two weeks of sleep deprivation. At the time I think my supervisor thought I was crazy to be so addicted to watching the Olympics. Every day he would ask me why I look so tired and my response would be, "Damn Olympics!".

I've been looking forward to this Olympics since then. Unfortunately I'm super busy right now and don't have as much time as I would like to watch them. I even had to tape the women's halfpipe the other day and I still haven't had a chance to watch it. I'm not sure why I'm such an Olympics fan but it's killing me today that I'm stuck in the lab and I keep hearing on the radio about how Canada has won four medals today. Go Canada!!!! I can't wait to go home and catch the highlights. It was while watching snowboarding at the winter Olympics four years ago that I came to the conclusion that, "Hey I could probably do that". So I convinced a few of my friends that they could probably do that too and off we went for a beginner snowboarding lesson and a day of snowboarding. I quickly realized that in fact no I can't snowboard. I've been a skier all my life and had difficulty grasping the concept of both of my feet being strapped to the same board. After watching snowboarding the other day I had a fleeting thought that I should try snowboarding again but that was quickly replaced by the memory of all the bruises and pain I was in after my last snowboarding attempt. I think I'll stick to skiing and forgo my dream of becoming a halfpipe champion.

One thing I don't like about watching the Olympics is it makes me feel like I wasted my youth. Most of the Olympians are younger than me and then you hear the announcer mention that this is their second or third Olympics! Damn I feel lazy. I blame my mother. She was so worried that I would break a bone or something if I did sports so I wasn't in many sports as a kid. Kinda makes me wonder if I had a hidden talent that was never discovered. I'm making up for it now though by playing every sport I can find. My mom did put me in figure skating as a kid though. Ya, no worries about injuries there - sharp blades, the pick, hard ice, kids who don't know how to skate trying to do jumps like the Olympians, right. I did come in first in our little skating competition though because I was the only kid who did a spin. Ooooo.... ahhhh. Sometimes I wonder if I stayed in figure skating could I have eventually been good enough for the Olympics? I guess I'll never know. I'll just become one of those parents who pass on their missed opportunities to their children and force them to take figure skating lessons everyday until they strangle me with their skates. Hopefully I won't turn into a parent like that. One thing is for sure though, any future kids of mine will be in sports of some kind. Broken bones be damned.

Just not my week

2006-02-16T17:21:00.000-07:00

This week has been crappy. I've been super busy and really tired. In an effort to not fall asleep while waiting for my incubation to be done I decided I would update my blog. I wrote a whole thing about the Olympics because I'm addicted to watching them but then Blogger screwed up and only posted half of it and I can't recover the other half. I'm too tired to re-write it. This may seem like a minor set back and something not worthy of complaining about however after having my hard drive on my laptop crap out on me yesterday I'm really not fond of computers right now. Plus I figured I would take a nice relaxing break from all the stress and write something in my blog. That didn't work. Now I'm pissed off, tired, hating computers even more, and angry that I'm still in the lab 10.5 hours after I got here and I'm missing the Olympics. I need a vacation!!! And while I'm wishing, someone to do my last two experiments and write my thesis too.

How is it Thursday already?

2006-02-09T21:45:00.000-07:00

I've had a crazy busy week. I took off part of Monday and all of Tuesday off for a job interview out of town. Yes for an actual real job! I'll post more on that another time. I'm tired. Two days off be damned I had high hopes of what I wanted to get done this week which has meant doing what I had planned to do in a week but instead doing it in three days. On top of it I proctored an exam on Monday and suspected a student of cheating so then I had to write up a formal letter stating what I observed and all that. I doubt that's the end of the formal letter writing in regards to this. Why do students try to cheat?

So I'm freaking tired and working long hours. Not a good combination. On the plus side I taught my lab this morning and to be honest was a bit unprepared due to time constraints partly due to the interview and partly due to answering numerous emails from my students about a lab report that was due this week. I was prepared enough to get the information across to the students but I still felt like I didn't give it 100%. After the class I had a few students comment that it was a really good lab. Perhaps I over prepare for my labs and bore them or maybe it was the meiosis demo using pool noodles that grabbed their attention.

Now I'm off for some much needed stress relief - watching My Name is Earl and The Office. I haven't watched TV all week!

How to write your thesis in a week

2006-02-02T23:15:00.000-07:00

Today this retired professor came by the lab to visit. He used to work in the department but the department pretty much made him retire because he was getting up there in age. The man lives and breathes science so retirement doesn't sit well with him. He comes by every so often to get his science chat fix. Some people think he's a bit whacked in the head but he means well and if you listen closely to his crazy talk he usually has some good points mixed in with the crazy ones.

Today he was asking me how my experiments were going and if I've started writing up. This of course led to the topic of writing a thesis. He proceeded to tell me how I could write my thesis in a week. Trust me, I had to use all my might to hold back the laughter. I thought I'd share his infinite wisdom on thesis writing in case you are hoping to write your thesis in a week.

Step 1 - Make all your figures and tables ahead of time and don't forget those figure legends! The making of the figures and tables isn't actually included in the thesis-in-a-week timeline. He actually never mentioned how long you should take for this step.

Step 2 - Once you have all your figures and table in a neat pile go through them and write the results based on what your figures or tables say. He estimates this should take a day.

Step 3 - Now that you know what results you are putting in your thesis write the materials and methods based on the techniques you used to get the results. Estimated time for this? He gave it a day or two stating that materials and methods are boring to write so it may take you two days.

Step 4 - Based on your results write the discussion. According to him this should take 2-3 days, no more.

Step 5 - Last but not least, the introduction. Estimated time? One day.

So that brings our grand tally of "time to write a PhD thesis" to seven days at most. Well if it was that easy I would have been done my thesis last week! I forgot to ask him though whether the week timeline included sleeping. Somehow I doubt it.

Although I think the timeline is a bit whacked I find that his logic and order for writing the thesis makes sense and seems to be the most efficient. As I said, he always has some good advice mixed in with the crazy talk.

What's the point of a PhD?

2006-01-31T22:53:00.000-07:00

The Other Grad Student (TOGS) mentioned today that her sister is thinking of going into grad studies perhaps in England. Apparently someone told her sister or she read somewhere that a masters degree takes about a year and a PhD about three years in England. Not knowing much about grad studies in England I questioned this. I mentioned that usually shorter graduate degrees rely more on courses rather than actual experimental data and publications. TOGS didn't think so. She figured three years is all you need to get a PhD and that over here in North America 5 or 6 year PhDs in science are ridiculous. I'll admit that few people like to be in school that long but that's what a PhD is. TOGS logic went like this: research in grad studies is quite repetitive in the case of the experiments you do and so to learn the actual techniques doesn't take long. And learning how to analyze experiments isn't all that difficult so why does a PhD need to take 5 or 6 years?

I agree with the techniques not taking long to learn and sure analysis isn't all that difficult if you understand the point of the experiment but her comments about grad school left me wondering if she has learned anything in her five years. In my opinion if you want to just learn techniques and analysis then take a lab technician course and not grad studies. The point of grad studies isn't to just learn techniques and how to analyze data. It's critical thinking, being able to develop a clear research plan to effectively test a hypothesis and then being able to write up those results in a coherent format that will not only be publishable but will add to the current knowledge in that area. Sure that could be taught in a course but I think you need to actually do the work to be able develop the skills. I mean I could read a whole manual on how to fly an airplane but that doesn't mean I would be able to. Same with grad school, you can't learn critical thinking from a textbook.

Maybe I'm wrong and TOGS is right, grad school is all about the techniques you learn. Somehow I doubt that though since how many profs do you see doing actual lab work? So what should you get out of a PhD besides a lovely piece of paper?

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong

2006-01-30T22:55:00.000-07:00

Why is it that experiments that are supposed to be easy and straight forward always find a way to not work out?

For example, my co-IPs. I did them about a month ago and all was good. I got the result I wanted and did a happy dance. It was a good day indeed. So now I need to go through the formality of confirming the results. I do the co-IPs again on another set of cell lysates. I made sure I did it pretty much the same as with the first set. Well apparently not. It seems that I have a lot of background in lanes that are supposed to have nothing. So frustrating! This was supposed to be a simple confirmation experiment. Now for the trouble shooting. I normally wouldn't be so angry about having to re-do an experiment since this is science afterall and it's expected but I pretty much only have this experiment and one more (hopefully simple) experiment left to do and I just want to get them done. It just seems like the science gods are against me.

Oh and on that note I ordered some stuff for an experiment like a week and a half ago and I still don't have it. I went to our departmental order desk to see what's up with the order. It seems that the reason I don't have it yet is because they only ordered it on Friday - NINE DAYS AFTER I SENT THE ORDER TO THEM!!! Hello?!? I didn't order it because I need it next month I ordered it because I need it now. I swear the world doesn't want me to get my degree.

La Cucaracha

2006-01-26T23:29:00.000-07:00

The other day I had a very unwelcome visitor in the lab. I come strolling into the lab bright and early and what do I see staring back at me? That's right, a cockroach!!! I seriously considered turning around and walking right back out of the lab and calling it a day. But I had things to do and figured I'm not going to let a cockroach stop me. The cockroach was huge too. Ick. There used to be quite a bad cockroach problem in our building a few years ago but once they cracked down on the problem I haven't seen any for a few years. They even had the cockroach police at one time who you were supposed to report sightings to and we were instructed to kill the cockroaches upon contact. I left the killing up to the men in the lab. Well that was a few years ago and now the lab consists of me and another woman. She wasn't in yet for the day so it was just me and the cockroach all alone. Although even if she was in she probably would have ran away from it faster than I did.

So plan A in the battle of me versus the cockroach was a passive one - just leave it alone. It was on the other side of the lab so I figured as long as it stayed there we would both be happy. As I worked at my desk my mind started to wander. What if I go check on the cockroach and it's not there and I don't know where it is? What if it climbs up my pants? What if it sits on my chair and I end up sitting on it. What if it somehow lands on my head? What if, what if, what if?!?! That was it... time for plan B.

Plan B involved devising a plan to somehow capture the cockroach in something and then seal the container well and toss it in the garbage can. I couldn't find anything large enough that would allow me some distance from the cockroach so that plan was axed. They move so freaking fast and I'm sure I would scream bloody murder if it crawled on me. A few years ago I caught a bat in a pot and released it back outside and yet I was more scared of catching the cockroach than I was of catching the bat. So plan C...

Plan C involved briefly thinking about stomping on it. However that awful crunch sound and the fact that I would have cockroach bits on my shoe axed that plan. Then I thought that a textbook would do the trick. Too bad we didn't have any old crappy textbooks in the lab.

So it all came down to plan D. Plan D was to douse the cockroach in ethanol. This plan allowed me ample distance from the cockroach and I didn't have to touch it or worry that it will crawl on me. Armed with my squirt bottle full of ethanol I proceeded into battle. As I squirted him with ethanol he ran (of course) and thankfully away from me. Being as fast as they are I lost track of where he went. Then I see him coming towards me. Eeek. I jump on a nearby stool and squirt the ethanol like a crazy woman. By the end of the battle the aisle is covered in ethanol and so are the cupboards and the cockroach is sitting in the corner. He wasn't really moving so I figured plan D was successful. There was no way I was going to touch it or move it so as far as I know it's still in the corner. Hopefully it's cockroach friends don't retaliate.

At the beginning of my battle with the cockroach I was wishing someone else was in the lab to help me with the battle or even to kill the cockroach for me. However at the end of the battle with me standing on a stool grasping my squirt bottle and looking down on the pool of ethanol on the floor and towering over the little cockroach I felt a bit silly. I figured if anyone walked in at that exact moment they would have surely thought I lost it. For now the lab is safe... until the next invasion.

Teaching - not so bad... so far

2006-01-19T20:58:00.000-07:00

Well week one went smoothly. My students seem pretty smart so hopefully that keeps up and they don't get lazy as the term goes on. There were the talkers though. Two girls who sat right at the front and talk, talk, talk. I couldn't figure out if they were discussing what I was talking about or discussing how their weekend went. Either way it was very annoying. They were trying to whisper but still. I'm not really one to stop what I'm talking about and look at them all mean and say, "Do you have something to contribute to the class?". I always hated when profs did that to someone and usually it didn't shut the person up. They just kept talking to piss the prof off. Maybe a few glares in their direction will shut them up. Honestly, if you are going to talk in class then don't sit right at the front right in front of me!

Other than the chatty Cathys things went pretty smoothly. Except of course when the carbon dioxide tank started to get really low and their anesthetised flies started waking up. I just envisioned all these fruit flies flying around the room. Good thing the students were quick and avoided the fruit fly infestation.

On an unrelated note, I've discovered Firefox. Yes, a bit behind the times. I've heard of it before but didn't really pay attention to it. I came across it as I was looking into getting a Gmail account. What's another email account when you already have four? Anyways, Gmail said it was the #2 PC product of the year. Of course my reaction was "what's #1?". It's Firefox! That sold me on downloading it. So far so good. Between Firefox, Thunderbird, Trillian, and VoIP (all of which were in the top 100) I'm loving the internet. Come to think of it, I never did get a Gmail account. I got so distracted by Firefox I totally forgot.

Anyways, I should get some work done before Earl and The Office are on. Thursdays are good TV days.

Oh by the way, if you're a lurker it's time to de-lurk. Comment, introduce yourself, say hello. Whatever. I know you're out there. I have my ways... mwahahaha.

Teaching... not so fun

2006-01-17T13:12:00.000-07:00

I haven't even taught my labs yet this semester and already I'm not enjoying it. The lab I'm teaching is one I've never taught before. Not a big problem however this particular course has a lab that is like a lecture and a lab in one. Most labs I teach have more lab work than lecturing but this lab is the opposite. I don't quite get it. I feel sorry for the students too because even though the stuff I cover in the lab is a repetition or clarification of what was taught in the lecture it just seems like they are expected to learn a whole heck of a lot for an introductory course. Plus, attention span of a second year undergrad is what... like 5 minutes? And I'm to expect them to remain conscious for a whole three hours!?! Good luck.

The lab coordinator for this lab also wants us to have discussions with the students. That I don't mind because hopefully it will perk the students up but for the first few labs it's like pulling teeth. Of course the first lab is on mitosis. Good luck getting a discussion going on that. Even I have a hard time wrapping my head around all that goes on during mitosis let alone getting students, who are usually completely confused about mitosis, involved in a discussion on it.

Speaking of discussions, at the meeting last week for this lab I'm teaching the lab coordinator had a discussion on how foreign TAs can better communicate with their students since most of them have accents and usually students put a wall up as soon as they realize their TAs first language isn't English. Fine, a discussion is fine. However it went on for like a half an hour with nothing really coming out of it. Plus, the lab coordinator kept calling them "non-English speaking TAs". What?!? They can speak English it's just that it isn't their first language. I was getting so annoyed with his "non-English speaking" usage that I was so close to saying, "I think the problem with communication is that according to you they can't speak English".

I guess I should get back to preparing for my lab bright and early tomorrow morning. Ugh.

Grad Horoscope

2006-01-14T00:57:00.000-07:00

The January 11th PhD Comics so graciously provides a grad horoscope for the new year based on your area of study. Mine (for biology) reads...

"Your feelings of intellectual inadequacy will temporarily subside. Used to disappointment, you are willing to take chances despite risk of colossal rejection and embarrassment. Aim high, it will make failure easier to rationalize. Now is the time to submit that doomed paper to the journal Nature."

After I read that I though, "Hmmm... not bad". How sad is that.

First ever Science Geek Scientific Fraud Awards

2006-01-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

I came across an MSN article about scientific frauds over the past 30 years. Being that the article only lists nine I'm guessing this is just a sampling. Although I've never actually researched the topic so who knows, that might be all. Well, at least all that have been caught. Perhaps if I had more time I would look into it further however for now I'll use these nine as the nominees for the first ever Science Geek Scientific Fraud Awards!

The award for best use of a sharpie goes to...

Dr. William Summerlin!!! For doing what only little kids would think of - colouring a mouse with a sharpie! Way to go Will! Since this science thing isn't working out so well for you perhaps you may consider a career as a kindergarten teacher.

The award for most research money obtained by fraud goes to...

Dr. Eric Poehlman!!! For managing to get millions of dollars in funding with no real data! Come on, if it was that easy everyone would have loads of funding and grad students would be rich.

The award for cutting and pasting goes to...

Dr. Ali Sultan!!! For plagiarizing a number of figures and text as well as interchangeably using his results from multiple malaria strains to show whatever it was he was trying to prove. Ali, Ali, Ali, even though the tubes are all labeled Plasmodium you need to also consider the species name. And shame on you for trying to blame it all on your post doc! Haven't you lied enough?

The award for best use of imaginary friends goes to...

Dr. Gary Kammer!!! For including his imaginary lupus afflicted friends in his study. Most of us lose touch with our imaginary friends by the time we start grade school but Gary managed to maintain communications with his imaginary friends all the way to adulthood. I'm sure Gary has plenty of time to spend with those friends now.

And the lifetime achievement award for scientific fraud goes to...

Dr. John Darsee!!! For not really doing any real research in 14 years yet still managing to get over 100 papers published. Way to go! Even though he is banned from receiving any funding for 10 years somehow I don't think this will be a problem for him. He could always go into writing science fiction. Oh wait, that's what he has been doing for the past 14 years.

Gentlemen, please come collect your awards which consist of an engraved frame containing a letter from the NIH stating that hell will freeze over before you get research funding from them. Congratulations and good luck in your future non-scientific endeavors. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Oh the life of a graduate student

2006-01-11T14:08:00.000-07:00

Work late, sleep late, repeat.

Yesterday I got harassed by a former grad student turned lab coordinator in our department because he said for the last few weeks he has walked by my lab and the door has been closed. I stared at him with a look of confusion because since besides the week after Christmas when the university was closed I've been working my ass off in the lab. And even during that week off I was at home writing a manuscript. Then I clued in and said, "when do you come by? 8 am?". He just smiled and said, "Oh right, you're a grad student".

Then today as I'm arriving bright and early at 9:50 am I see him in the hallway. Of course more harassment ensued in which he pointed out in sarcastic amazement that I'm here before 10!!! Yes, yes, I'll admit I work grad student hours but I am a grad student so that shouldn't be such a shocker. My family also harasses me about this yet they don't seem to realize that even though I don't come in until 10 am I'm usually here until 7 or 8 pm and sometimes even later. Then when I go home I'm usually reading papers or analyzing data. How does that constitute a slacker? Plus, compared to the other grad student in the lab I'm a workaholic. The other grad student's idea of a long day is 4-5 hours. Must be nice.

However the grad student hours are soon to end. One week until teaching at 8 am starts. 8 am!!! That's just crazy talk. Thank god for coffee.

I thought computers were supposed to make your life easier

2006-01-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

Silly me, I thought computers simplified life. However there is always a day now and then when you find yourself endlessly cursing at the computer screen. Today was such a day.

For days now I've been sitting in front of the confocal microscope taking picture upon picture of my cells and hoping that the next day isn't more microscope work. I need a break from the microscope. Even my eye has started to twitch (probably not microscope related but still). I rejoiced today when I was finally done taking all my confocal pictures. It was a short lived celebration.

You see, all of my microscopy work is done in the departmental microscopy unit and saved to the computers there therefore I need to transfer my images to something or other to get them from the computer in the microscopy unit to my computer. Sounds easy, right? That's what I thought but I swear the university strategically places hidden cameras around the university in order to see how grad students deal with situations such as the following.

The computer in the microscopy unit has a CD burner. That's all fine and dandy unless you have taken hundreds of images over the last few days that amount to about 6 gigabytes of files. That would be a lot of CD's. Instead of using a whole spindle of CD's just to transfer my files I figured I would use my pocket hard drive and transfer the files from the computer onto there. Oh but wait, the computer runs on Windows NT so no plug and play. Who uses NT anymore anyways? Then I figured, ok well I'll just transfer them over the network to the lab computer. Apparently I'm the only one who assumes that a computer that runs Windows NT would be networked. Ironic isn't it? Windows NT (a.k.a. networking) isn't hooked up to the network. Let me tell you, I didn't find it funny. I'm guessing that during the departmental virus outbreak of 2005 the IT guys figured they would disconnect the confocal computer from the network to avoid it from getting taken down by a virus. Good plan but hook it back up guys!

So now I've got numerous images that are currently stuck on the confocal computer which besides the confocal software doesn't have any imaging software such as Photoshop. So much for analyzing my images tonight. Instead I'm searching the internet for a Windows NT driver for my pocket hard drive. So far, no such luck. It's stupid setbacks like this that make me wonder if I'll ever get my PhD.

Have a craptastic day!

2006-01-06T00:32:00.000-07:00

Today was not a good day. I won't bore you with the details however ironically while wallowing in my self pity I came across two quotes by Darwin that pretty much sum up my day.

A scientific (wo)man ought to have no wishes, no affections .. a mere heart of stone.

I am turned into a sort of machine for observing facts and grinding out conclusions.

Sigh. Darwin was a wise, wise man.

Plagiarism

2006-01-04T17:39:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of every semester all the grad students and profs get numerous emails with information regarding plagiarism and cheating and what to do if you have a student you suspect of cheating and/or plagiarism. Today I received a few of these emails. I had to chuckle to myself slightly because when I was working on that manuscript I came across a few instances of possible plagiarism in journal articles published in well respected scientific journals. I find it somewhat amusing that without fail every semester profs and grad students get up in front of their class and lecture about how bad plagiarism is and not to do it yet who do you think writes or at least okays these publications in scientific journals.

The reason I say I came across possible plagiarism is because it wasn't paragraphs of text that were plagiarized but perhaps part of a sentence or even a sentence or two. I read way too many papers to count when I was working on that manuscript and whenever someone would cite another paper I would usually go look it up. I've come across a few incorrect citations in my day so now if I'm going to cite something I go to the original paper to make sure the info is there. Well, lo and behold the exact same sentence that is in the original paper appears in the paper that cited the original. Coincidence? Perhaps, perhaps not. I'll admit that in some cases some results can't really be reworded. Such as protein X binds to protein Y and causes result Z. It's hard to reword that however if it's some statement in the intro, say, that isn't results based but more of a theory and the exact same wording appears in both papers it seems odd to me.

In most instances of possible plagiarism I came across it was only part of a sentence or just one sentence that was the same. Now I know the definition of plagiarism is copying someone else's ideas and presenting them as your own. Is this a case of those writing scientific articles thinking that a few words copied word for word is so minor that it is really not plagiarism? In one case I even found one paper that had the cited paper's title word for word in the body of their paper. Come on? You couldn't at least reword that? Now that's just plagiarism with a side of laziness.

If ever you are unsure whether you are plagiarizing or not, go by this rule:

Finally!

2006-01-03T22:24:00.000-07:00

Finally! Fi-na-ly!!! I finally finished that damn manuscript. Can you sense the bitterness? It was all going so well up until yesterday. With only a page or so left of the discussion and I was at a lack of how to tie it all together. Frustration reigned supreme last night but then I figured I would sleep on it. Today after hours of more reading I FINALLY finished it! Hmm... maybe I should take back a few finallys. I just sent it off to my supervisor so I may be a bit premature on the finally. I so hope he as well as the reviewers (when it gets to that point) don't expect major revisions. This paper and the research that went with it was kind of a side project and I just want to be done with it.

Happy New Year!

2006-01-02T01:15:00.000-07:00

You can run but you can't hide!!! 2006 is here.

Due to the holidays and my determination to finish that manuscript I've been working on for what seems like ages I've neglected my blog. Don't worry though, I've found other ways to procrastinate especially since I've found Shockwave games. Barnyard Invasion and Zuma are bad! This leads me to my New Year's resolutions:

* Don't procrastinate!!!
* Start jogging again

I swear I need parental control on my computer to block out all the websites I use to procrastinate. However, I'm determined that will all change as of today. No procrastination! I think I need a giant poster above my desk that says that.

As for that manuscript, it's coming along quite well so far. Just a page or so left of the discussion and then off to my supervisor so he can rip it all to shreds and tell me it sucks. I'm hoping not though. I think it's pretty good. Of course, working on that manuscript all week has put me into my writing schedule which consists of staying up until 2 or 3 am and then sleeping in. For some reason I write best late at night. I was determined to go to bed early tonight and get back on a more regular schedule since I have to start teaching in a few weeks at 8 am!!! However, being that it is 1:30 am right now and I'm not the slightest bit tired I don't think I'll be getting back into that routine anytime soon. I don't know how I'm going to survive the thesis writing combined with the 8 am teaching. I'm so not a morning person.

Some call it science... I call it art.

2005-12-22T23:07:00.000-07:00

I was going through my cell images recently and came across a favorite of mine that I had forgotten about. Once in a while when looking through a microscope you come across an interesting cell that really has nothing to do with your work but it looks cool none the less. This is one such a cell: I love this picture. It kind of looks like a little gecko or something hanging out on a rock. Really for all you science geeks that's a GFP tagged protein hanging out beside the nucleus. However, I like to call it art. I think it looks cool enough to fall into that category. I'm not so fond of microscopy work but I think the outcome of the images is awesome. Way better than looking at a gel.

Hmm... come to think of it, that picture is pretty festive as well.

Sigh... no lab Christmas party

2005-12-19T23:28:00.000-07:00

For some reason it just doesn't feel like Christmas is less than a week away. Perhaps due to the lack of snow here it just doesn't feel like Christmas is around the corner. However, I think it may also be due to the lack of Christmas spirit in my lab. With my supervisor and half our lab having moved to the US and others since graduating there are only two of us left in the lab. Quite lonely indeed. When I first started in the lab there was like seven grad students and numerous undergrads. Now, there are just two. At times I'm thankful for all my space and not having to fight for equipment but when I'm in the lab all day all by myself it gets quite lonely. There is only so much company you can get from the hum of the freezer. Good thing there is the radio.

The other day I was walking down the hallway and a prof said to me, "Must be lonely up there". Yes, yes it is. Normally I don't really notice it but for some reason Christmas has made the loneliness quite noticeable. Usually we have a lab Christmas party where we go out for supper or to the supervisor's house. It's always good times and plenty of food. This year with the supervisor down south that isn't going to happen and to be honest, myself and the other grad student left behind don't get along well enough to want to spend our free time celebrating Christmas together. I think I need a lab to adopt me. Maybe tomorrow I'll blare the Christmas carols to get me in the spirit. I could even wear my Santa hat but then people may thing the loneliness has driven me crazy.

I love final exam time

2005-12-16T00:19:00.000-07:00

Who in the right mind would like final exam time? Someone who doesn't have to write final exams, that's who. Oh the joys of being a grad student and being done all your classes. I hated all that stress. Although I must say I would take a final exam any day over having a candidacy exam. The candidacy exam day was probably the most stressful day I've ever had. Thank god I don't have to do that again.

Besides not having to write final exams, the reason I like this time of year so much is because there are no students in the hallways. I can now walk around the university with ease. There isn't the annoying person in front of me who stops all of a sudden to answer his cell phone, or the students who walk SO SLOW because apparently they have no where to go. It's like a ghost town when final exams are on. Except at the library.

I had to go to the library today. Normally I avoid the library because it's pretty far away from the lab and I usually have no reason to go there. Online journals are the best thing since sliced bread. Today, however, I actually had to go to the library to photocopy an archaic journal article from 1989 which wasn't available online. I soon realized that this is where all the students are. All studying hard I assumed. Nope. As I'm looking for my journal on the shelves I couldn't believe the noise level in the library. I don't remember it this loud when I was an undergrad. If I was in undergrad and wanted to actually get some studying done I wouldn't go to the library. It was like hang out central with people chatting to each other and chatting on their cell phones. I don't even think some of them had books open. I also felt a bit overdressed. I wasn't wearing the final exam uniform of sweatpants and a sweatshirt. Now I know why I avoid the library.

As I was leaving the library I heard the funniest comment. Some guy was talking about his exams and his friend said something to the effect of, "Oh that should be an easy exam" to which the guy replied, "No, it's Psyc 104. That's my hardest class". Whoa, buddy. What other classes are you taking? No offence to anyone in psychology but compared to genetics courses my psyc courses were a walk in the park. I hope dude isn't in science because if he thinks intro psyc is hard he's in for quite a shock. With my luck I'll be his TA next term.

Scientists do have a sense of humour

2005-12-14T13:01:00.000-07:00

Today I'm trying to find a program that will predict the structure of my protein. This involves two things I'm not so keen on - proteins and bioinformatics. I usually cringe every time I need to do anything bioinformatic related. Anyways, in my search for a program that will predict the structure of my favorite protein I came across a website that I had to laugh at. Normally, to me bioinformatics is anything but funny but The Barton Group at the University of Dundee have found a way to add in some humour.

I submitted my protein sequence to The Barton Group's program and waited patiently for the email saying that my job had been completed. I clicked on the link and came to a webpage that on the first line had the lovely penguin picture with the message: After much trouble and strife, Bob the scheduling penguin has retrieved your results! Rejoice. For your pleasure the following viewing options are available.

Too funny! This makes my day of bioinformatic analysis not seem so bad. After all, how can anything go wrong when you have Bob the scheduling penguin on your side!

The timer trick

2005-12-13T11:15:00.000-07:00

Here I go revealing my secret of how to avoid a long conversation with your supervisor or that grad student who talks endlessly about how cute her cats are or that undergrad in your lab who pretty much wants you to write their essay or lab report and is constantly picking your brain for answers. The key in avoiding or at least limiting these conversations is the timer. Oh yes, the timer. Every scientist has one. The annoying thing that beeps right when you are in the middle of playing Yahoo games and beckons you back to your lab work. This annoying lab necessity can work in your favour though.

First off, carry it with you everywhere. People may laugh at me for being so attached to my timer but that's only because they don't truly understand why it is there. I always have mine clipped to the pocket of my pants. This works well except for when I bump up against a counter or something and end up knocking it off onto the floor. I have gone through a number of timers due to this. Timex should really get into making lab timers. The ones I have can't take a licking and keep on ticking unfortunately. Once people see that your timer is literally attached to you at the hip they will just come to accept it and not think anything of it. This is also key. That way when it beeps they will truly believe that you have to get back to an experiment but you will know better .

Here's how it works, you need to go ask you supervisor a question or want to show them a result. You know though that as soon as you step in their office they will ask you about all the experiments that you have yet to do. So you think, hmm... how long do I want to be in there for? Five minutes is usually good. So you set your timer and off you go to talk to your supervisor for exactly five minutes. When your timer beeps you say, "Oh, gotta get back to my experiment" . That way you avoid all those "have you done this experiment yet? or where's that result?" questions and they will be none the wiser. As a benefit, it will make it look like you are working oh so hard since you could only spare a meager five minutes in between experiments to talk to your supervisor.

As for that annoying grad student or inquisitive undergrad, if they approach you unexpectedly and you don't have your timer set don't worry the timer trick will still work. You need to be a bit more clever though. Shortly after they start talking glance at your timer. Then say, "Oh shit. I forgot to set my timer, one sec". Then you set it for however long you want to talk to them for. Again, when it beeps excuse yourself with, "Oh sorry, my experiment beckons". You just have to hope they won't follow you and keep talking. If that happens, you're on your own. The timer trick can only go so far.

Now that you know the timer trick use it wisely. Over abuse can result in people getting suspicious. And if you are ever talking to me and my timer beeps I really do have to get back to an experiment :)

To post doc or not to post doc...

2005-12-12T22:46:00.000-07:00

That is the question. This has been on my mind for quite some time now and was recently renewed after reading Ms. PhD's post. Honestly, she doesn't make it sound all to appealing to be a post doc. I especially like the one last piece of advice - don't do one if you can figure out a way to avoid it. My guess is that if there was an easy way to avoid it more people would opt out of the post doc process. Unfortunately I have yet to find a way to opt out. Despite the mini anxiety attack I have every time I think about the fact that I haven't found a place to do a post doc yet I honestly really haven't been looking into it. I suppose I'm just hoping I'll find that "something else" before I commit to a post doc and then I can avoid that whole process altogether.

I guess the real question is academia or not since really the chance of getting an academic position without a post doc is like winning the lottery. I'm still on the fence on the issue of being an academic as well. Man, the indecisiveness is so aggravating! I think the problem is that I would be happy either way - academia or not - so I'm really not set on either. I suppose my decision would be easier if I had a clear cut goal of wanting to work at such and such university studying such and such but that isn't the case. Oh decisions, decisions. I'm beginning to think that it isn't the actual PhD that is difficult but figuring out what to do after you get that PhD is where the difficulty lies.

Time for a new template

2005-12-10T14:01:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it was but that other template was starting to hurt my eyes. I figured it's time for a change. I think this one looks much better. However, being quite a newbie at blogging I didn't realize that changing the template would get rid of all the links I had on my page. I suppose that's what that warning about losing any cutomizations was about. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to re-add them. Just the excuse I need to procrastinate from writing that paper.

Where does the time go?

2005-12-08T22:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my hubby comes home and the first thing he says is, "Man, I didn't realize what day it is. We really have to get started on our Christmas shopping". I found this revelation of his odd since he is notorious for doing all his shopping a few days before Christmas. I of course always harass him about this and he vehemently denies it up until I open my gift and there is a gift receipt in there dated Dec. 24.

I however know what day it is. I've been very much aware yet still in denial that it is December. This is because I had my own personal deadline of getting all my experiments done by the end of December. Being that it is already December (by some freak of nature) this leaves me with weeks rather than months. Now if everything worked perfectly in science all the time then I would surely be done all my experiments by now (and someone would have discovered the cure for cancer). However as all scientists come to accept at some point, not everything in science works perfectly.

I've been pretty good at keeping on schedule though due to my week by week list of things to do that I made up a few months ago. Oh sure, my freakish organization endured much ridicule but it has kept me on track for the most part and that was the plan. I am a bit behind on some experiments and this week my slacker tendencies are trying to take over my productivity but for the most part I've followed my schedule. I'm still a bit shocked it is already December (as is evident by my calendar in the lab still being on November) but I'm still sticking to my plan of getting all my experiments done by the end of the month. I'm sure there will be some things to finish up in January but hopefully not much.

As for my hubby's revelation that it is already December, this resulted in us going Christmas shopping last night. Again, due to my freakish list making I had a list of gifts for most people we are buying for and as a result we did almost half of our Christmas shopping in a matter of an hour and a half. I think I'm liking this list making. I may end up being that crazy lady that has a list for everything.

An unproductive day

2005-12-07T15:19:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up feeling a bit under the weather so that gave me the perfect excuse to stay home and finally work on the paper I'm trying to write. Despite knowing in the back of my brain somewhere that there is no way I'm going to be able to write this paper in between 15-20 minute incubations in the lab I still tried, unsuccessfully. Thus, this paper has been in the works for a few months since I haven't had time to devote to just writing it. Well today was going to be that day but my procrastination tendencies took the better of me.

First off, I slept in a bit today. My excuse being that I don't want to get sick so I would sleep off my under the weather feeling. It would be just my luck that the one year I don't get the flu shot I'll get sick. And why didn't I get the flu shot? Because I didn't have time to actually go to the medi center to get it. Isn't that a tad counterintuitive.

Once I poured myself a cup of coffee I figured I would get down to work. Oh but wait, I was going to try to find a clever gift for that grad student who has helped me out so much this year. So a searching on the internet I did go. Unfortunately after an hour or so of searching I didn't find anything that really caught my eye except a mug with a funny saying about caffeine.However, I'm not sure a mug really makes up for all the time and effort he has put in helping me over the last few months. I also found a few other things with funny sayings that would be great for him such as "I can't be fired. Slaves are sold". I figured that wouldn't go over well with our supervisor though. There was also "I love deadlines. I especially like the whoosing sound they make as they go by". That one made me laugh since it is so perfect for him. Anyways, after hours of procrastination my favorite is still the caffeine one.

After I figured I'd think on the gift for a while I started doing some work. Not on my paper though of course. This was procrastination work. The type of work you have to do anyways but it doesn't need to be done urgently. That way you are getting something done so you don't feel like you are procrastinating but you aren't working on what you should be working on. So after almost a day of procrastination work I still haven't touched the paper. No wonder it is taking months to write.

The joys of students

2005-12-06T10:52:00.000-07:00

I don't mind teaching however it isn't my favorite thing to do. If every student really cared to be there and really wanted to learn I'm sure I would love teaching but all the gripes over half a mark end up making any teaching assistant a bit jaded. Although I do love the one on one teaching such as when your supervisor puts you in charge of a project student or a summer student in your lab. Sometimes they can be a pain in the ass but for the most part they are there because they enjoy research.

The first student I ever supervised in the lab was a high school student. She had to do a project or something for her International Baccalaureate diploma (aka "smart kids program"). Heck I had to Google Baccalaureate because I didn't even know how to spell it. Anyways, somehow she ended up in our lab and me being the newbie grad student at the time my supervisor thought it would be a good experience for me to teach a high school students the ropes for a semester. Sure why not. Supervise a high school student in the lab, take two grad courses, TA a 200-level lab, and also do my own research in my "spare" time. Sleep is overrated anyways.

Well that was during my first year of grad studies and today I got a call from that student. It was a nice surprise. I hadn't heard from her in a long time. Sure she came by every so often during her undergrad here but I lost touch with her the last year or so. She told me she is now doing a Masters and is thinking of doing an MD/PhD (see, smart kid!). I was so excited. I like to think that I played a small part in her enjoying science and research. After all her first research experience was with me. Oh it gives me warm fuzzies to see students become interested in science and research and excel at it.

Hmm... wait a minute. This girl was in high school when I supervised her in our lab and I was just starting my PhD. She has since finished high school, got her BSc (no doubt with Honors or even Distinction) , and now she has started her Masters degree and I'm STILL doing my PhD! Dear god! My family is right. I have been in school forever.

One of those days

2005-12-05T19:29:00.000-07:00

Pretty much as soon as I walked in the lab today the phone started ringing. I just knew it was going to be one of those days. I wanted to get a lot done today but I think the cards were against me.

First the person from our order desk calls me about an order I placed however the catalog number isn't right. I check on my computer and sure enough it pulls up what I want when I search by catalog number. The lady at the desk is adamant that the number is wrong but says she will call the company and find out what is going on. Turns out I was looking on the US website and not the Canadian one (Duh). That's odd since I have my computer set to default to the Canadian site. Although I was more pissed off by the fact that the company carries that product in the US but not in Canada. Dumb. I found another place that supplied it though so not a big problem but a waste of time.

Then as I started actually getting some work done the phone rang again. This time while I was on the phone I got an instant message from one of the grad students that went to the US with my supervisor. He said he needed to talk to me when I'm off the phone. Alright, fine. Then while I'm still on the phone a guy from another lab comes in to see if we have a certain antibody. This was all before I had finished my morning coffee so I wasn't in the best mood. I finally got off the phone then got the guy the antibody.

Just as I'm wondering whether my day will continue this way the grad student in the US calls. Apparently there is some problem with the amount of credit we have from the Qiagen cabinet we used to have. My supervisor wants a list of all orders for the last year! Of course all that info is in my lab so I end up having to compile it all and send it to him. Definitely not what I was planning on doing today.

I finally got started on my SDS-PAGE gels at 5 pm. And I was hoping to not be in the lab forever today. It never ends! Sometimes I wonder whether I'm actually a grad student or just a very low paid technician.

Really? For real? Are you sure?

2005-12-04T00:20:00.000-07:00

I was reading the recent issue of The Scientist the other day and almost fell over while reading the article on the best places to work in academia. The university I'm at ranked third overall of all non-US institutions. I had to do a double take to make sure I was reading it correctly. Why was I so shocked? First off, that's third in the world (except the US). That's quite an accomplishment I'd say. However, I was most shocked because I hear all the bitching about the university on a daily from the academics that work there. I don't know if that's just because they like to complain for the sake of complaining or what. Plus, my supervisor left this third best place to work because he hated it here and he is now at a university in the US that didn't even rank on this survey. I'll have to remember to rub that in next time I talk to him. In fact in the last few years quite a few academics have left and taken positions elsewhere. I'm not sure whether this is a result of the grass always seeming greener on the other side or not. Either way, I'm sure those that left would also be surprised by the results of this survey. Who knew?

I wonder if the university would place as high if it were a survey of best places to do grad studies. I'm guessing probably not since on the last university grad student survey our department got rocked. On a positive note though that did motivate the department to improve things so it is getting better.

Doin' my happy dance!

2005-12-01T23:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got a result that made me forget about all my experiments that haven't worked since September. My co-IPs worked! I was so freaking excited when I saw that little band on the western staring up at me. It got even better when I realized that little band was only in the lane it was supposed to be and not in the controls. Oh it was a happy day indeed yesterday. A much needed one at that too. I've been feeling pretty dejected lately so this just what I needed to up my spirits (that or a stiff drink).

To top it off, I emailed my results to my supervisor and this was his response:
"Wow...it worked fantastic!!! Congrats!!! Cool... are you going to be the one that makes everyone have to re-write the text books?"

I don't think I've ever seen him use "fantastic", "congrats", and "cool" all in the same email. Plus so many exclamation points.

Sand, surf, sun, and a conference

2005-12-01T22:32:00.000-07:00

I submitted my abstract today for a conference in sunny Florida! The key thing about a good conference is location, location, location. Sure you still have hobnob with other researchers and talk science at a conference but you can always squeeze in a little beach time. Heck, who needs sleep?

I've been to this particular conference a few times now but for some reason this year I'm even more excited about it. Maybe it's because I think I have something very interesting to present but then again I've worked on this project for five years now so it's like my baby. Or perhaps it's because being near the end of my PhD I feel like more of an equal to other researches and not like some newbie grad student who is in awe of a large conference. I now feel like I know my stuff and can bullshit with the best of them. No more feelings of intimidation.

Although I'm also feeling a bit nostalgic about this conference as this will be the last one I attend as a grad student. Sure, I may be back someday as a full fledged academic but it just won't be the same. As a grad student you have the luxury of being able to take half a day and go to the beach but as a newbie prof you feel like you need to impress those around you and half a day at the beach isn't going to accomplish that. It will be like being a newbie grad student all over again. Ahh... the many years in grad studies do have some perks after all.

True perfectionism

2005-11-22T23:29:00.000-07:00

Grad school is unique in many ways from the real world. Besides still being a student in your late 20's when all your other friends have real jobs, grad school offers one thing that a real job rarely offers - the opportunity for true perfectionism. Whether good or bad, grad students have the luxury of being able to strive for perfection and as such it is usually expected. Be it a committee report, scholarship application, or an experiment, "good enough" is really not good enough. I've agonized countless times over one sentence that just doesn't sound right. Would spending a half an hour trying to re-word it really make a difference in the long run? No, probably not. Or that experiment that worked but the result doesn't look "pretty" enough so you spend another week tweaking things in the hopes that it results in a prettier figure. Why? Because as grad students we have learned to expect nothing less than perfection in ourselves.

Grad students have this luxury because for the most part we aren't limited by time. Sure we have that elusive five year deadline but even that isn't set in stone. Everything has some leeway in grad school. Therefore we take the time to achieve perfection. Problem is you can never really achieve perfection. Perhaps that is why it is so easy to become dejected as a grad student. As well, in the real world perfection is rarely achieved. Unlike grad school, deadlines in the real world are set in stone. You are paid to meet those deadlines and if you don't then you no longer have a job. Therefore, perfectionism gives way to getting things done as best as you can in the time you have. Maybe if "as best as you can in the time you have" became more of the norm in grad school that elusive five year deadline would be within reach. No more perfectionism for me. I want my degree!

The difference between grad school and med school

2005-11-19T00:23:00.000-07:00

A wise person once told me that the difference between grad school and med school is:

Med school - really hard to get into but easy to get out of and get your degree

Grad school - fairly easy to get into but hard as hell to get out of and get your degree

So true! Yet somewhat depressing. I have friends who are now doctors and they started med school AFTER I started grad school. Sigh.

I'm not feeling the love

2005-11-19T00:09:00.000-07:00

I'll try not to go into too much of a rant about this but it will be hard. I'm a bit pissed off at the department I'm in. Now no department is perfect, they all have their flaws however I'm really not feeling the love from the department. I know I shouldn't be vain and think that the department should care about me at all, after all I'm just a grad student. However, I've found their interest in you pretty much dies off when you hit the 5 year mark. I think by this point most of the department administrators see you as some sort of annoying presence that just won't go away. They also start looking at the numbers. They are all about looking good on paper and if the average time to finish a PhD in their department is over 5 years then that is frowned upon by the university. Although oddly my committe and my prof don't seem too concerned about wanting me to finish soon so apparently they didn't get the memo about pushing grad students out the door.

All aboard the gossip train

2005-11-17T14:37:00.000-07:00

I always knew gossip spread pretty fast in my department but I don't think I truly realized how fast until today. My supervisor gave his resignation yesterday and by noon today I had two people say to me, "So I hear he resigned". The thing is that you would have had to be living under a rock to not realize he was going to resign so I don't understand why this is such big news. I've always wanted to start some departmental gossip and see how fast it spread but now I don't have to. Apparently half a day is enough.

The epidomy of a poor grad student...

2005-11-17T00:08:00.000-07:00

Buying Ramen noodles at Dollarama. Four packages for $1! How can you pass that up?

Telemarketers in the lab?

2005-11-07T22:01:00.000-07:00

Today I had what I would call my first science telemarketer phone call in the lab. I thought telemarketer phone calls were reserved for the privacy of your home when you are trying to have a nice dinner. Not anymore. I answer the phone today in the lab and the lady on the other end tells me she is from a certain large scientific company and wants to know about how I do my PCR clean-up. So I tell her what kit I usually use and she proceeds to tell me about the new fancy kit their company has. The whole time she is talking I'm wondering why she called me. Then she mentions that she just called the department and they put her through to my lab. I'm guessing someone in the office doesn't like our lab. Of course I just feed into this science telemarketer lady by telling her that yes that kit does sound interesting. I'm all for the free stuff and figured maybe she was handing out sample kits. No such luck though. All I got was an email and an offer of 50% off the kit if I order it.

Now I can understand them calling if I went to the website and checked the box that says yes I'm interested in learning more about products for PCR clean-up but I didn't. I hope this cold calling isn't a new thing science companies are trying out. I'll get quite annoyed if I get a telemarketer call while I'm in the middle of an experiment. Good thing there's voicemail

A good laugh!

2005-11-02T21:40:00.000-07:00

This is totally not grad student related but it's damn funny. One of those things I came across while procrastinating from real work.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6739710473912337648

You're still here?

2005-10-31T23:40:00.000-07:00

I am so sick of hearing that question! Sick of it I tell you. Everytime I see someone around the university that's what they ask me. Now I'm hoping it is because my supervisor and half our lab up and moved to the US and there is only me and another grad student left behind to fend for ourselves and everyone is suprised I didn't go. However, I also wonder whether people ask me this because they think I should be done by now. Perhaps someone should notify my committee of this little tid bit of info. At my last meeting a couple months ago one of my committee members made the comment of, "Oh you haven't been here that long" to which I replied, "It's been long enough". That same committee member suggested, in a moment of speaking before thinking, that I perhaps make a knockout mouse. Oh yes, hang on a sec while I sign up for the 15 year PhD!

Perhaps I should send out a departmental email stating that yes I'M STILL HERE! And stop asking me!

Who turned out the light?

2005-10-19T00:00:00.000-06:00

I like to refer to my degree as the never ending PhD because, well, that's what it seems like. At my defense I'm going to need someone to pinch me so I'm know I'm not dreaming. Occasionally I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It always seems closer than it is. Kinda like that time my family and I went on what was supposed to be an hour or two hike. We saw this waterfall in the distance and thought it would be cool to hike there. After four hours of walking around a lake, crossing a rock pile that even a seasoned mountain goat would have trouble navigating, and an almost straight vertical hike up the side of a mountain the waterfall still didn't seem that much closer. We did get a good picture though. Just like the light at the end of the tunnel - I can see it, I could probably even get a good picture of it but getting there is a whole other story.

This week that light seems to be getting further and further away. If I squint really hard I could probably still get a glimpse but for the most part it has disappeared. Ahh.. the joys or research. One step forward, five steps back. Just when I think the next experiment will solve all my questions it ends up adding ten more. I like to think I'm on the verge of a big discovery and any moment one experiment will tie it all together into a neat package that my committee will buy and I will be onto bigger and hopefully better things. Hey, a girl needs something to keep her going. Such is science though. I was prepared for the ups and downs but it still sucks. When things are going well it's almost like the science gods look down on you and think, "Whoa, things are going a bit too well. We gotta rein in some of that cockiness. We'll just add some confusing results into the mix. That should humble her enough". Perhaps it's time to make an offering to the science gods. Do they take lab mates?

What's in a name?

2005-10-12T23:50:00.000-06:00

What does a blog site titled "blah... blah... blah" have to do with being a grad student you ask. Have you ever been at a seminar, class, or even a one on one meeting with your supervisor where you can tell words are coming out of their mouth and something in your mind is telling you that perhaps you should pay attention but all you hear in your head is "blah... blah... blah", kinda like that teacher on Charlie Brown? Voila... the title.
Hmm.. perhaps I should be paying more attention to my supervisor. You never know, he may actually be saying something important.

No longer a blog virgin

2005-09-28T23:26:00.000-06:00

Yeah! This is my first blog ever! How exciting. However, I don't have anything to rant about today. By the time I set up my whole blog I forgot about anything that pissed me off today. Oh well, there is always tomorrow.